The Endless Strain of Winter
Dec. 14th, 2001 02:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saitainaIt's december now, and utterly horrid month really. I stand here, on the edge of the invisible cliff and feel and incredible urge to jump. Life sucks in December, Christmas is here, yet for the third year in a row I've ruined my mother's holiday. No, don't give me that look, I know I've ruined it. She's told me so. I ruined it by already knowing my gifts, such a small think and yet her entire holiday's gone. Added to that the fucked up phone company repair guy is charging me 130.00$ for coming out twice to tell me my phone line's fucked up. As if I couldn't realize that by the fact that I COULDN'T CALL ANYBODY! Fucking idiot bastards.
Add that to the two tires slashed last month by my upper neighbor, fighting with Social Security for my money, dealing with HUD inspections and relitors who expect my apartment to be as pristine as the day I walked in (bullshit, I DO have to live here!), plus dying pets and missing others it's hard to remember why I used to look forward to waking up in the morning.
At least January is looking better. I turn 21 then, and auditons are coming up for that season's play. Probably won't even audition but it's something to look forward to...or not. Melody S. should be free by then and that would be a bit tragic to go up against her. Bloody bitch. Why did she even have to move here? Now everywhere I turn I see her annoying face. Just because she's small and cute she gets all the parts and I'm stuck as the fucking stage manager again. Wish she would have stayed at the Acadamy rather then come here. The flu's giving me a bout of voice trouble anyway so it might not even be worth it to go out to the theatre only to spend another three monthes stairing at Melody's feet.
Great, now I'm bitter and depressed, and I'm normally such a cheerful person. God I hate this buisness, brings out the words of us. I feel like a dog on parade when I go to auditions and then I get so bitter afterwards. But it's my only talent really, lying and hiding in roles long forgotten in the expanse of time...the only gift I have.
*sigh*
Add that to the two tires slashed last month by my upper neighbor, fighting with Social Security for my money, dealing with HUD inspections and relitors who expect my apartment to be as pristine as the day I walked in (bullshit, I DO have to live here!), plus dying pets and missing others it's hard to remember why I used to look forward to waking up in the morning.
At least January is looking better. I turn 21 then, and auditons are coming up for that season's play. Probably won't even audition but it's something to look forward to...or not. Melody S. should be free by then and that would be a bit tragic to go up against her. Bloody bitch. Why did she even have to move here? Now everywhere I turn I see her annoying face. Just because she's small and cute she gets all the parts and I'm stuck as the fucking stage manager again. Wish she would have stayed at the Acadamy rather then come here. The flu's giving me a bout of voice trouble anyway so it might not even be worth it to go out to the theatre only to spend another three monthes stairing at Melody's feet.
Great, now I'm bitter and depressed, and I'm normally such a cheerful person. God I hate this buisness, brings out the words of us. I feel like a dog on parade when I go to auditions and then I get so bitter afterwards. But it's my only talent really, lying and hiding in roles long forgotten in the expanse of time...the only gift I have.
*sigh*
