Memoirs of a Nobody

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Suddenly vanish in Febuary, relax, I’ll be back…eventually.

Our morgage company is trying to forclose on our house because they say we owe 2000$ that we don’t actually own, (we’re at the point of selling everything we own if that would save our house).

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

My family has severe reactions to vaccines, so bad in fact, that most of the next generation (my cousin Caleb, and any of my generation’s children) don’t get vaccines (yes, I know that’s not the best idea really, but the benifits in no way outway the risks), the main reason being, none of us want to see another child go through what my cousin Laura Rose went through.

So it’s rather obvious, we get a little leary when told we need a new vaccine, most of my genration or older get them because we’ve had most of these before, or know our reactions. The only diffrence is when a vaccine’s formula is changed…such as the yearly flu vaccine that’s changed every year.

I normally avoid getting the vaccine just because it aggrivates me, I always have symptoms after. This year however, I’ve been so sick ANYWAY that I decided to get both the flu and the pnemonia vaccine (especially since I have emphasima and have had pnemonia before as a child…which now makes me wonder if that vaccine will even work on me, I should research that).

Anyway, I got the shots two days ago, on on either arm to check which one would react, if any. Nothing seemed wrong for that day, and I pretty much forgot about it…

Until the next morning, when awoke with searing pain up the arm that had the flu shot. I looked at it and found the area bright red and burning warm. No big, typical side effects, just annoying. And then yesterday…the pnemonia arm reacted, making it very, very had to do anything since the pain is leeching my muscles of their strength.

And now, I’m starting to remember why I hate these shots and the lovely genetics that make us react more to them then others. Makes me even more leery of my tetnis shot that’s due (how does one get a tetnis shot anyway? I’ve always got them when rushed to the ER for doing something stupid like stepping on a live cable wire).

On a related medical note, my doctor finally seemed to listen to me instead of just assuming I’m making shit up. I have to get a catscan later this week for the pain in my upper abdomin. He’s thinking it might be bowel related, which apparently can be the upper stomach area (just under my left breast/rib cage).

Though, I’m getting a bit pissed at doctors who examine the area. I know there are ribs in the same area, the pain is JUST below the ribs (like half an inch below), and the swelling spreads ABOVE the ribs, no, I don’t know why, if I did, I would know what was wrong. And no shit, it hurts when you examne the area, YOU’RE PRESSING ON MY DAMN RIB, it hurts, when you press on a bone. Yes it hurts on the other side, IT’S STILL MY DAMN RIB. Arg!

Hopefully the catscan will reveal something.

—-

For those that don’t know about Laura, she was born…hmm, almost 16 years ago? Maybe more, I can’t really remember how old I was when she joined us. She’s Uncle Michael’s oldest child (cousin Caleb’s older sister).

When she was born, she had cleft lip, so they did surgery on it, and around the same time, they gave her her childhood vaccines. She ended up having a reaction to the vaccines, probably due to an allergic reaction, which cause seizures. The seizures, combined with reactions to her surgery, left her brain damaged, leaving her trapped in the mentality of a child only a couple monthes old (I’m not sure if she’s grown any more, we don’t really discuss it as it’s a hard subject for my uncle…my aunt lost it completely).

After Caleb was born, and tested for allergies, we discovered that his allergies were so severe, if he had gotten his vaccine’s before being tested, he probably would have ended up just like his sister. We’ve also discovered that over half of my generation has late developing life threatening allergies (allergies that developed after puberty), which is rather to scary to think about, considering how many things we could have done without thinking and almost killed ourselves).

Yet another reason I don’t really want to have a genetic child, as it’s almost like playing russion roulette with weither they’ll get physical disablities, mental or both.

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I’ve been lucky enough to have three great men in my life, and four great loves (not that those exactly match up). And there are times, I wonder, if that’s it for me. After all, I’ve had more then my fair share, and it’s only far to give that same shot to others…

But I can’t help but look back, and wish that for once a great man would match up with a great love. I had that once, though I never realized it until I lost it…

I wish I could lose myself in that love again.

(and just a small fact of amusement, the one time my great man and great love matched up? He later discovered he was gay…yup, the perfect man, slipping right through my fngers! *pouts*)

Edit to Add: I suddenly have a strong, longing of acting and I don’t know why.

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I’m getting so…ARG with collage and it hasn’t even started yet! When I first enrolled I had 15 weeks to get a copy of my GED in to prove I am out of high school. It takes me a few days to find it, but I get it faxed and am happy. I start in on my Financial Aid application.

It took me three weeks to complete an application that should have taken me an hour. It wasn’t the application itself that was the problem (I had that done while watching an episode of Bones), but it was the bloody hoops the collage had me jumping through on their site…and the fact every other page of their FA stuff was down.

Then they wouldn’t let me past the ’sign up for a loan’ page, because there was NO BLOODY option for those of us who can’t get/afford/want loans. So I play email tag with them about that, finally get past it and get it sent in.

Then, (a week or so ago), I realized that the documents department never updated my records with my GED. Insert some frantic panicking at my admissions councilor, then frantic scanning and emailing (well, re-sizing and then emailing) my GED.

A week goes by from that, and I find out my FA is DENIED. Why? Because they need A. Proof of my name, and B. I NEVER SIGNED A PROMISARY NOTE FOR ‘MY LOAN’. WTF?!?! I have a sudden moment of phone bravery and call the FA office the moment they open, trying to figure out with the hell is going on.

So, I fax them a copy of my driver’s license and once more try to explain I DON’T want loans. Woman on the other end of the phone seems to have a brain so all is good.

Two weeks later, they FINALLY get my GED listed and in my file, and my FA is in limbo somewhere, waiting for another review (this is after I went off on yet another FA office worker who dared tell me I hadn’t done anything they needed me to do).

Can school just start already so I can start drowning in actual work rather then red tape?

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I’m a twenty-something writer/director who writes for various fandoms that strikes her fancy.

Honestly, that’s about it about me. I spend most of my life attached to this damn computer unless I actually need to visit reality which is rare.

Contained within are my rants, my life, my writings and basically…me. Honest and open, my life where nothing is hidden.

Deal with it or fuck off.

Thanks for reading and please enjoy your stay. ^___^

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

So I have this attic…except where I don’t.

You see, this attic isn’t a real attic, it’s something that’s been showing up in my dreams for ages now. Not every dream (obviously), but enough that I can reconize it on sight (and on memory). It’s nothing much, just a small space above the ‘garage’, accessed by a pull down ladder and then wiggling through a hole…except apparently, I can no longer wiggle into it, according to last night’s dream.

And I really shouldn’t say it’s small, as it’s large enough to hold quite a bit of stuff…maybe it’s small on the outside and that’s why I think that.

anyway, it’s just…odd, that it keeps appearing. It’s not like it contains great treasures, in fact, it mostly contains glassware. If you’ve ever been to a flea market or a second hand store…or even a yard sale, you know there’s often tables of glassware, well, that’s what this attic looks like. Stacks of plates, wine glasses, glass bottles…basically, a traditonal flea market.

Last night I drempt we were moving to Ohio (why Ohio? I blame my Aunt and Jo, seriously, it’s like they mugged my brain and made that the best place to move). Anyway, we were moving and packing up to leave and suddenly I remembered this attic. I climbed up there, and got inside, and started packing the objects in there…all those glasses.

Which some how migrated from the glasses that fill the attic, to porcilin dolls and fake christmas trees (with decorations)…which actually exist in our garage (our attic is destroyed in that section of the house in reality), to other things, I can’t quite recall but that I know we actually own.

I don’t even know why I’m focusing so much on such a dream but that attic just…stays with me. I can’t get rid of it even now, hours after I’ve woken up. A part of me wants to return to that attic filled with glasses, it’s always…sad, to leave it.

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

There’s something wrong with looking up graphic sex doujinshi and getting this as a description:

+ Yuki’s Sakuma ツインウケ or cannibalism

…I don’t want cannibalism with my porn!

(then again, maybe I shouldn’t use BabbleFish to translate Japanese for me).

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

My health is slowly getting better, but after two weeks in bed with the measels (and recovering from said illness), a week in bed with flu like symptoms, and a week in bed recovering from…just about everything, I’m now exausted, sightly nausiated, and unable to sit/stand for long periods due to my need being sore from being curled up for nearly four weeks (I sleep curled in a ball, so when I was sick, I was constantly curled).

I’ve had to take the un-precidented step of taking a break from nearly everything in my life, to give myself a chance to focus purely on myself. While I usually ‘attempt’ to take such a break, often I am consumed by worry, stress and other things, and never do take said break. This time, I fully planning to focus on getting myself back to the limited heath I was at, before getting sick.

It would nice, to be able to get out of this damn bed for more then an hour or two.

Today, I took the first step, walking back and forth down the street a couple houses. It was…nice, to be able to move, and play with the cats who followed me. Though my knee is now bitching at me for it, though I know it will feel better sooner or later.

I just wish I could return to my desk, where all my work is stored, but I guess for now, I’ll have to be here.

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Four years ago, I answered the question where I wanted to be in five years here.

And now, it’s four years later…the question to be asked it, what do I feel, to know my ‘dream’ hasn’t happened.

Upon reflection, thinking back to that woman, twenty-three, consumed with a diffrent life and a diffrent future….

I’m not upset that that dream hasn’t occured. In fact, that dream has long since been dead and buried, covered over by new dreams and new ideals.

Yes, I still want that son, but the idea of the child has changed, no longer a toddler running around, but a school aged child, adopted later in my life. Yes, I still want to write, but I’m okay with un-finished works and devoting more time to someone else’s universe then my own. I’m happy with my readers and the interaction I have with them. They are small, but they are loyal and above all, critical, giving me valuble insites to my works that is far better then I could have from any reader of a novel.

I’m twenty-seven now, I’ve changed in those years that have passed. I’m about to start collage in April…something I haven’t done since I was eighteen. I have seen the greatest despare and the greatest joys in my life to date, I have loved, lost and loved again…and for once, in a long time recently, I’m happy with my life, eager to see what is coming and ready to embrace whatever it is. I am happy with my relationships, my role in my work life, and proud, of what I have accomplishe so far.

Yes, there are things that could have been, might have been, should have been…but I’m not dwelling on them…it’s time to move forward.

…and it’s time to go check on my cat who just fell off the bed. Ja ne!