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Jun. 15th, 2004 08:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saitainaI've finished the Wicker Man and added it to Memoiors of a Nobody (now 35 pages long). As a treat, here's another scene.
Mical glanced up at his lover and elbowed him again, getting Raja to sit straight in the saddle. He moved his horse closer and was about to suggest they stop and rest, when a shout broke through the gloom that had surrounded them. Both spun their horses around, swords naked in their hands.
A young girl and an older boy came running from the forest next to them, both nearly crashing into the horses. The girl screamed again and the boy jerked her behind them, staring up at the two, armed knights with a look of defiant fear. He would die to protect his sister, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared beyond all belief.
Two things happened quickly. Another shout came from the trees and arrows rained down on the group. Mical grabbed the boy while Raja grabbed the girl, settling the kids on their horses, leaning over enough to shield them while still searching for their attackers.
Mical’s horse whinnied and reared, sending Mical and the boy toppling. It ran off, trailing blood behind it. Mical cursed and drew the boy closer to him, hissing as an arrow sliced past his shoulder.
Raja drew closer to the fallen two and shared a look with Mical. “GO!” Mical shouted and just stared as Raja shook his head and slid off his horse. The girl ran to her brother and clutched at him.
Raja hit his horse’s flank hard, sending him off before standing nearer to the group. “Protect them!” He ordered and raised his shield, moving away from the group, towards the rain of arrows.
“Rajani!” Mical yelled after him, unable to follow, holding onto the children who clung to him.
Raja turned back and his eyes widened. Mical jerked around, shoving the children behind him as riders in black hit the clearing, circling the small group. The riders made the circle smaller and smaller until the four were standing back to back, staring at the faceless men.
Raja cursed and raised his sword again, Mical’s bow in his hands, ready for action. They were going to die, protecting children they had never seen, for reasons they didn’t know, against the army of a man that wasn’t supposed to be in this forest.
The two groups stared at each other before a gap opened in the Black Rider’s ranks and another horse nudged its way in. A gray mare stood nose to nose with Mical and he rolled his eyes up to look at its rider, recognizing the long red hair. “M’lord,” He whispered, staring at his fallen king.
“Father,” Raja spat, his sword still out, still ready.
Mical glanced up at his lover and elbowed him again, getting Raja to sit straight in the saddle. He moved his horse closer and was about to suggest they stop and rest, when a shout broke through the gloom that had surrounded them. Both spun their horses around, swords naked in their hands.
A young girl and an older boy came running from the forest next to them, both nearly crashing into the horses. The girl screamed again and the boy jerked her behind them, staring up at the two, armed knights with a look of defiant fear. He would die to protect his sister, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared beyond all belief.
Two things happened quickly. Another shout came from the trees and arrows rained down on the group. Mical grabbed the boy while Raja grabbed the girl, settling the kids on their horses, leaning over enough to shield them while still searching for their attackers.
Mical’s horse whinnied and reared, sending Mical and the boy toppling. It ran off, trailing blood behind it. Mical cursed and drew the boy closer to him, hissing as an arrow sliced past his shoulder.
Raja drew closer to the fallen two and shared a look with Mical. “GO!” Mical shouted and just stared as Raja shook his head and slid off his horse. The girl ran to her brother and clutched at him.
Raja hit his horse’s flank hard, sending him off before standing nearer to the group. “Protect them!” He ordered and raised his shield, moving away from the group, towards the rain of arrows.
“Rajani!” Mical yelled after him, unable to follow, holding onto the children who clung to him.
Raja turned back and his eyes widened. Mical jerked around, shoving the children behind him as riders in black hit the clearing, circling the small group. The riders made the circle smaller and smaller until the four were standing back to back, staring at the faceless men.
Raja cursed and raised his sword again, Mical’s bow in his hands, ready for action. They were going to die, protecting children they had never seen, for reasons they didn’t know, against the army of a man that wasn’t supposed to be in this forest.
The two groups stared at each other before a gap opened in the Black Rider’s ranks and another horse nudged its way in. A gray mare stood nose to nose with Mical and he rolled his eyes up to look at its rider, recognizing the long red hair. “M’lord,” He whispered, staring at his fallen king.
“Father,” Raja spat, his sword still out, still ready.
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Date: 2004-06-15 05:38 pm (UTC)I'm liking what I'm reading babe...keep it up!
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Date: 2004-06-15 05:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-15 07:00 pm (UTC)be wary of the use of pronouns. can make it kinda hard to follow sometimes, like when the horse is nose-to-nose with mical. maybe try to break that into two sentences, too. when he whispers, maybe identify mical as the whisperer, it's kinda shady as to who's whispering.
ah ha, the toughest critic strikes again. en guard! =P
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Date: 2004-06-16 01:59 am (UTC)horsey goodness :)
and swords! not to forget the swords!
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Date: 2004-06-16 02:03 am (UTC)(and yes this is Sait, I'm under my rp journal name and can't be bothered to change)
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Date: 2004-06-16 02:05 am (UTC)you can email it to me at shandii@care2.com
ta muchly :)
hi!
Date: 2004-06-17 06:07 am (UTC)I'd be interested in :)
I like to write fanfic, well I used to write, I was stuck for quite two years and now I am revamping everything.
my e-mai address is spezzaincantesimi@yahoo.it or you can drop a comment at www.spezzaincantesimi.splinder.it (it's in Italian ;P no, and no, I don't need to have more hits on my blog :)
Thanks