Ex-squeeze me?

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

My mother apparently ‘ratted me out’ to her therapist about cutting up my arm. Not a big deal, it’s not like she can do anything, but apparently she ‘threatened’ to put me in a long term care facility ‘for my own safety’.

…I would like to point out mum’s therapist has never met me and only knows me via mum…thus I will excuse her threatening me as her not knowing better, but really, I have spent my life getting out of messes worse then a therapist who doesn’t know the diffrence between cutting for physical>emotional pain (hello endorphins!) and suicidal tendancies.

And of course, since I’m the patient in question, no one will believe me when I tell them it’s not suicidal, it’s a coping mechanisim as the cutting releases endorphins to deal with the pysical pain, thus stabalizing my mood until I can better deal with the problem at hand, as well as being a way to CONTROL impulses, so that I don’t do something stupid (which is likely given my ADHD…I never think before acting).

Not to mention, cutting, in addition to various visualization techniques can make a person feel as if the anger/pain/sadness/whatever is vanishing along with the blood as it slips from your body, allowing a person to feel better (Yoga + Self Mutilation…I don’t think this is what it’s creators had in mind…)

Maybe next time I’ll tell them it’s a sexual kink and I don’t but into their sex lives…wonder what they’d say to that. *beams*

As for the wounds themselves, they’re healing nicely. They don’t look any worse then cat scratches at the moment, except one or two parts that ended up deeper then the rest (some of the lines cross over the other making it deeper…and it ruined the perfect ‘look’ I was going for…)

Itches like a bitch, but since I did it in the first place, have to put up with it.

I have some pictures of them (don’t ask…really), that I’m debating editing and putting up on my gallery as a social comentary, but I don’t know…people don’t react well to images like that (I’m not saying aversion, I mean yelling at the photographer).

Other then that, I’m doing pretty good. I re-started my zoloft (one of the reasons I flipped out in the first place, I had gone off the meds when I forgot to take them for a week), my breathing’s steadying out and my stomach’s settling down. Still tired all the time, though I’ve managed to get some work done.

We found out from the IRS that the stimulus packet we desperately need never got mailed from our PO, something that’s becoming a trend down here, so we’re getting another packet, and mailing it priority mail with delivery confirmation to make sure it gets there this time.

But until then…we’re back to living out of a cooler since our fridge died. *pouts*

Comments

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

you're justifying self mutilation and trashing people who actually do know what they're talking about when they say that you need help, whether you want to accept that or not, they recognize why people do cut and they also know, perhaps even by seeing themselves, where the path of cutting leads. no, you didn't cut this time for the sake of suicide, and i would stake my truck that the therapist didn't consider so much.

what happens when you rely on cutting to feel/conceal emotions is that it doesn't solve any problems, and you're kidding yourself if you tell yourself that you're distracting yourself until you can handle it better. here's a good test to see if i'm right about this - give me five reasons that you've cut in the past, and then tell me how many times you have cut for the sake of issues related to those reasons. it's ultimately a trend, and as time goes on and you continue to rely on it, you'll stop feeling those cuts, your method of distraction will stop working, so you'll cut deeper and deeper in order to receive the satisfaction that you feel you need. as you spiral through the gateway, you'll begin feeling a sense of hopelessness, and ultimately you will seek other, more dangerous methods and activities to give you the release.

simply put, your defense for cutting is typical. you're not unique in it whatsoever, so when people say that you need help, they're saying it not because they don't understand you but rather because they do understand you much better than you want to believe. cutting is never a solution to any problem.

i know what you're going to say: "i never said it was a solution." then you're going to go on to defend yourself. don't bother, i already know that my words are falling on figuratively deaf ears. there will come a point one day, though, i hope, when you look back on your life and recognize all of the advice that you've been given over the years and wish that you had been a little more open to other views and opinions.