Dear Mum

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Mum,

I know you’re mad at me and I understand that.  But I had to do what I thought was right and that included letting the officers in.  I had their full assurances you weren’t going anywhere, it was just a check.  They originally just wanted to talk to you at the door but you wouldn’t move, thus, I had to allow them entry.

This falls under the Emergancy Exception to Warrent Requirement, an adem to the fact you need a warrent to enter the house.  They could have (and at looking at them) told me they were entrying for an emergancy reason and simply pushed me aside.

I understand that you did not want to go back to the hospital, I didn’t want you to go back.  That is why I talked with them first and got their assurances it wasn’t going to happen.  But then the whole knife thing and the being asked to shoot you and things rather went downhill.

I understand you were upset and emotional, but mum, you don’t know the hell I went through on the other end.  You can ask the officers, I was crying, sobbing on the front porch (or your car when they moved towards the door), thinking they were actually going to KILL my MOTHER in front of me.

I still want to cry or vomit thinking about it.

I do understand you were (and still upset) but please, handle this as a rational, reasonable adult. 

Now, I’ve been where you are and I’m out a fuck of a lot quicker so let me give you some advice (this is the part you hide from the nurses).

LIE!  LIELIELIELIELIE!  Everything is fine, you’re happy as a clam, life it perfect.  It was a mistake, you were down but now you belive you can cope in ways that don’t involve suicde (and you better, please mommy, I need you alive.  I can’t exist without you).

Say you have a network of people to go to, to help you cope, name names (pull names out of your ass if you have to), explain you just felt overwhelmed and couldn’t see the help they offered until now.

Tell them you DO NOT want a cop to shoot you if asked, this is a big one.  Don’t say yes jokingly or sarcastically.  The powers that be don’t have a sense of humor.

I need you home, I need you well too but we’ll takle home first, then well.

Nothing in life is worth killing yourself over, because nothing in life is worth losing YOU over.  Grandmere’s a bitch cow, we deal, Crys is a moron, we deal.  I’m me, we’ll deal.  You dead, I won’t deal.  I will go in-fucking-sane.  I love you, I love you more then anything in this world and to lose you, would lose me.

So get out and get better damnit! :o)