Letter to my Mother

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Mummy-

I know you can’t understand my position regarding your future, if ever marriage, so I’ll try to explain.

You say you don’t want to be alone, that one day I’m going to leave, and leave you alone. Yet you’re doing the same thing to me. You have been the only person in my life since I was SEVEN years old, that means for eighteen (18) years, You’ve been my only companion and friend.

The years I was in Roseburg were miserable, for the only fact you weren’t there. Why else do you think I came home so often, or begged you to visit me? Because I needed that companion ship.

There is little to zero chance of me leaving in the future. If I was going to leave, I would have done it already. The only reason I HAVEN’T already is because of you, because I near you by my side.

If I didn’t, I would be in Eugene right now at college, or Portland at the cooking university there, but I’m not because you’re here.

I don’t like him, and I have never made a secret of that, but this has NOTHING to do with that fact, I wouldn’t support you abandoning me even if I did like him. And yes, I feel exactly as if you were abandoning me.

I still suffer nightmares of being taken away from you and put into foster-care, the memories and the terror I felt at being taken away from you still effecting me, eight to nine years after I returned. And now you’re talking about willingly walking away from me, after all the struggle, all the pain I went through to come back home.

Do you realize how much the very idea makes me want to curl up and sob? It hurts so badly, to think of you leaving and being alone, even if you’re not going to be that far away. It makes me physically ill, to think of it, to imagine it. It makes me want to scream.

I can’t…handle this, and I know it’s not fair to you and I know it’s selfish but that’s how I feel and I can’t change that.