saitaina | *sigh*

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I really, REALLY wish people would quit harping on the fact I ‘don’t leave the house’.

I understand that it’s not ‘normal’ for a human to prefer staying in a room, staring at a computer rather then leaving (or at least according to everyone I know), but I DO honestly prefer it.

I have an anxiety disorder, it acts up when I’m around other people, particularly strangers. The world outside my front door, just happens to be filled with strangers. Add that in with my blatent dislike of humanity in general and the computer seems rather nicer then being constantly uncomfortable.

I go outside when I need to…I just see no need to do it when I don’t need to. I have no intrest to go our and surround myself with people that make my skin crawl…

So why does no one see this?

I’m tired of attempting to explain it, I just want them to get off my back.

To me, being near a stranger, in any sense (shopping, going to the post office…just walking past them), is akin to standing naked in the middle of a crowded room, with everyone staring at you. The feeling of eyes constantly on me, the sounds of whispers as people ‘talk about me’. It’s an itchy, creepy feeling. My skin literally feels as if it’s trying to crawl off my body and run away.

Voices are too loud and echoe in my head. My mind is constantly searching, trying to figure out what people are saying about me (and yes I know they’re not, doesn’t mean anything to my subconcious), my eyes dart around, trying to find the people staring at me. I want to curl up in a little ball and block everything out but I can’t.

Why would ANYONE who constantly felt that way wish to leave their ’safe place’ without good cause? The stress of the symptoms and trying to hide it all so you don’t freak out…or look like a freak is enough to exaust you and make you never want to leave.

Despite this feeling, I think I do pretty damn good, leaving when I do. I go when I have appointments or meetings, I go when mum asks it of me, I go when I feel the urge to get out of these four walls (which get rather clausterphobic).

Hell, I got on a plane all by my little self and traveled across country to meet a bunch of strangers, I consider that a pretty good step considering how much I wanted OFF that damn plane. Okay so I had a few freak outs in Philidelphia but it was a STEP. Not a cure.

I’m trying, and it’s the best I can do. I don’t like people, I don’t feel comfortable around people, and I wish people would just leave me the hell alone about it.