Fuck you, world!

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

there are days when you just want to slit your wrists and watch the blood drip over your hands. The pain from such a woud being so small compared to the pain filling every inch of your being.

Mum was almost admitted to the hospital today. She swallowed a handfulls of pills last night. I had to watch two little brats while wondering if mum was going to come home. I wanted to throw up, not help a six year old with their math homework.

I got unsubbed from a Y!Group I had been a member of a for over a year for breaking a rule that I dont’ even know about (er, I don’t know what rule I broke I mean), a fucking icon was rejected from a contest because I used a brush when they SAID I COULD and then labeled it an outside image, I have people asking for money when I’m trying to keep my life together and excuse me but seven dollars slipped my mind while I’m trying to make sure my mother doesn’t kill herself and I’m abandoning my friends but right now I can’t be a friend AND keep my head on straight and…

It still fucking HURTS! I felt like pieces of me were dying inside when he told me but I still smiled and wished him luck and it still fucking hurts. Every part of me that isn’t numb and dead is screaming in pure agony.

My mind is being torn apart and I just want to bleed but I can’t even cry because I have to keep it all together before some thread becomes unraveled and I lose something somewhere and it all comes crashing down.

Goddess I can’t do this, I can’t…I can’t…I want to die, I want this to end I want the pain and stress and terror to go away!

If she goes away I’ll have nothing…it will all be lost and gone and I’ve given so much already why do they have to take her…

I’m going to throw up but I can’t do that, she’ll hear and know and I’m crumbling around and I don’t know where the glue to pick up the pieces is anymore.

I’m so scared and terrified and I hurt so badly but there’s no one else here and no one to lean on and I can’t even fucking cry! Why can’t I cry?! Tears are a chemical reaction, when you feel sad, you cry! Why…why won’t it work? Am I that broken I can’t even figure out the basic mechanics of human life?

I have bile and blood in my throat and my hair is coming out each time I touch it, my chest hurts, I can’t stop shaking…but I can’t even fucking cry.