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[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Nearly a year ago I had a crush on a really cool guy…and I couldn’t deal with it.

Memories of the past flooded me and I screwed up what could have been really cool.

In fact, I flipped out so badly I swore off men forever and devoted myself purly to pursuits of the female sort. And now, it’s a year later…and once again I have a crush.

On a guy.

On a guy I would actually be willing to have sex with (note the shock).

I guess it’s easier to have this crush as I never have to face him. He’s a country away from me so I can happily crush without having to actually face it. There’s no chance, so there’s no hope of an actual relationship, no tempting fate to fuck around my emotions and desires.

No chance for the memories to come back.

I think I now know why rape victims often see counsilers. It’s easy to move on, to get back to your life…

It’s the living that’s hard.

It’s especially harder for those raped by people they know, by boyfriends, husbands, fiance’s (or girlfriends or wives). To put that trust back into another person, to allow them into your life, your body, your head, and trust that they won’t betray you like you have been before…

How do you do it? How do you allow someone that trust, when the scars are still in your head?

As much as I claim sex is boring and unessaccary in life, there are still moments when I wouldn’t mind having it. I mean come on, I went from wearing my men out to nothing in less then a few monthes, the…drive is still there.

I just can’t trust anyone anymore.

So now I’m left with just a bunch of questions that are slowly driving me insane.

Am I bisexual? A lesbian with male tendances? Do I actually want someone in my life? Can I let someone back in? Is it worth it? What if I’m hurt again? Can I re-build my psyche after having it torn apart again?

Should I even try to find someone else, or just resign myself to a lifetime of loneliness?

And no, I haven’t told him yet, though me might know by now considering everyone else in our group does. I just can’t bare to face the issue considering I’m so screwed up in the head, plus he had this wonderful/horrible relationship with his last girlfriend and I don’t know if I can offer him anything better. Why bring it up if I can’t give him something better then the heartache he’s already suffered? I’d rather have him happy and apart from me, then with me and misrible.

He’s so…wonderful though. Okay yes I realize I’m smitten and my judgement isn’t exactly the best to go by…but he really is. Everyone I know thinks so.

*sigh*

My beautiful Paris…

oh gods I sound like a school girl…shoot me!