Hmm

[saitaina]

I had a weird dream about my sister last night (well, technicaly today).

She was living in a trailer park, abandoned by our father, living her life as a guy because she was gender confused (not sure if she wanted to be a guy, but really not interested in being female), and pregnant.

At fifteen.

It's like every fear or problem she could have all rolled into one...or maybe they're my fears. Things I'm projecting onto her in my fear of not being there for her, especially right now, during the hardest time for someone from our family (both my father and I had very, very hard puberties, due to hormones screwing with an already screwed up brain chemestry). I want to share with her what I know of already going through it, to help make it easier (unless of course it's Irene's genetics that won out in temperment and brain make up....).

I fear she needs me in someway and I'm not there. I can't call her or write her a letter...I can't do anything but sit here and worry.

I would say 'at least she has dad', but dad doesn't...get it. He doesn't understand that that hatred and rage was hereditary and that Christina could possibly have inherrited it. He doesn't know how to help her, because he doesn't realize she needs help.

If she needs help. After all, I got a double dose of fucked up brain chemistry from both sides of my family. Rage and anger from dad, and an in-ability to properly process emotion from mum. Add in the depression, the ADHD, and other funky brain screw ups I got and I could be the only one in our family this screwed up and she could actually be having a perfect and normal life (well, as normal as a fifteen year old could have).

Though, I do hope if she is bi/gay/gender confused, she knows enough to keep it away from dad until she's an adult and out of his house. Dad's homophobic and not exactly...open to accepting shit. He got pissed at me for being raped, I never bothered to tell him I was bi because I knew how he'd react...hell, he tried to kill his sister for existing, I don't think he'd take too kindly to his child being a "freak".

Comments

[thiective.livejournal.com]

If it bothers you so much, ask your sister to come live you and talk to you, both of you discuss this with your mother, if you can tell it your dad but I recommend you don't, then visit the doctor about the baby, either abort or keep it. If it helps, buy an apartment so both of you and your sister can live with each other, and you can keep your eye on her. Whoops, there i go again. Acting like a mother, sometimes I wonder about my age, to tell you the truth I'm younger than a mother. I don't know by experience, but I'm just telling you what comes from my mind. Anyway it is just a suggestion actually, you don't need to take it. Sorry if this lengthy, if it is just a dream, it doesn't mean it is real right, so ignore the suggestion alright.