Fears and Inspections
Dec. 16th, 2001 05:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saitainaWell another day another entry. I'm...11 hrs away from another HUD inspection. *ThisI* close to losing my funding for my apartment. I can't afford to lose it...I can't afford to pay the full rent and can't move back home. So I'm scared, terrified they'll find something wrong and boot me out.
My grandmother's coming over tomorrow too...co-signer of my apartment and the most stern woman I know. I'm afraid of meeting her expectations. I feel like I'm 5 instead of twenty but so is the way of my family. You seek grandmother's approval or perish into oblivion. And we seem to hold grudges for life.
Anwyay! rambling off track again. So here I sit, petrified that I'll fail either test and that's not helping me any with my depression. I keep re-adjusting my knicknacks, hoping she won't look down on my Harry Potter collectables and make me feel as though I have to defend them. I hate defending them, I know it's stupid to collect them but sometimes, you just can't resist having a strange hobby. It's bad enough my mother looks down on my writings and collecting, I don't want the rest of the family to look down on them, I'm enough of a black sheep.
Least I can just remind her, she collects clowns...stranger hobby I never heard of. :o)
Maybe...maybe I can just forget for a few hours that my life hangs in the balance tomorrow, pop in a movie and drift away to a world where there is no HUD inspections and overbearing grandmothers, fly away to a land where I don't have to meet anyone's approval and liking magick and vampires is fine with everyone.
Or maybe I'm hoping too much...maybe they're right, maybe writing stories and roleplays are a waste of time...should I give it all up, all my little obsessions and focus on a job and life outside my little pleasures? I don't see my writing and collecting as worthless but if enough people say it...maybe it's true?
My grandmother's coming over tomorrow too...co-signer of my apartment and the most stern woman I know. I'm afraid of meeting her expectations. I feel like I'm 5 instead of twenty but so is the way of my family. You seek grandmother's approval or perish into oblivion. And we seem to hold grudges for life.
Anwyay! rambling off track again. So here I sit, petrified that I'll fail either test and that's not helping me any with my depression. I keep re-adjusting my knicknacks, hoping she won't look down on my Harry Potter collectables and make me feel as though I have to defend them. I hate defending them, I know it's stupid to collect them but sometimes, you just can't resist having a strange hobby. It's bad enough my mother looks down on my writings and collecting, I don't want the rest of the family to look down on them, I'm enough of a black sheep.
Least I can just remind her, she collects clowns...stranger hobby I never heard of. :o)
Maybe...maybe I can just forget for a few hours that my life hangs in the balance tomorrow, pop in a movie and drift away to a world where there is no HUD inspections and overbearing grandmothers, fly away to a land where I don't have to meet anyone's approval and liking magick and vampires is fine with everyone.
Or maybe I'm hoping too much...maybe they're right, maybe writing stories and roleplays are a waste of time...should I give it all up, all my little obsessions and focus on a job and life outside my little pleasures? I don't see my writing and collecting as worthless but if enough people say it...maybe it's true?
