saitaina | Original Fiction: I Drempt of You...

Title: I Drempt of You
Rating: PG for mentions of violence agaisnt one's person
Words: 442
Summary: A woman's thoughts when her friend turns away her love.
Notes: Paris, I haven't recived your letter yet so not to you...I think.

Click the link for the story:

I dreamt of flowers, waltzing in the sun. I dreamt of trees, bowing to the
wind. I dreamed of people and places that no one could possibly see outside my
mind. But none of those dreams compared, to what I dreamt of you.

You were my sun. Brilliant and beautiful. You were what my world revolved
around. I loved you. I honestly, really, truly loved you.

I still love you.

I can't stop, just because you aren't mine. I can't stop, just because you
don't love me. I need you, but I can't force you to need me. I love you, but I
can't force that either.

Can I stand to sit here, watching you from afar? Watching you love others and
keep smiling. Can I sit here, so far away, wanting to wrap my arms around you,
but forcing myself to stay away for fear of smothering you? Can I sit here,
without trying to die?

It hurts so bad.

I want to claw my heart out, to keep the pain away. I want to drown in the
tears that won't stop burning my eyes. I want to run away, to hide, to fade so
that I don't have to face the anguish and sorrow.

I want to throw up. I want to cry. I want to take a sharp blade and slowly
slice at my flesh until I am too numb to think and feel.

I want to sleep forever.

Why can't you love me? Did I say or do something wrong? Am I ugly? What makes
me so tarnished and flawed that youâ€™d turn away from me?

Why?

It hurt...

Please, please make it stop. I can't stand it any more. I'm going insane. all
I can see if your face, smiling at me, laughing with each throbbing ache in my
chest.

Make it stop...

I will still sit here, no matter how much it hurts, loving you, cherishing
you, wanting you and taking care of you, for however long you let me. For if I
cannot have you, then at least I can be close to you. At least I can be a small
part of your life, not matter how much I die inside with each glance, each
touch, each kiss that isn't mine.

But please, allow me at least my dreams of you. So that I may have something,
on the long, cold, empty nights. Something to hold, when there are no arms
around me. Something to caress, when there is no body. Something to breath life
into so that there is a warmth, protecting me.

I need something, to chase the nightmares and tears away.

Fin

Journal Entry:

How much longer can I keep the mask from crumbling? How much longer can I keep on a smiling, happy face when all I want to do is see what colour my blood is against my skin?

I tear out my hair, I scream, I cry, I throw up and then turn around and laugh, making the world belive everything is fine.

But it's not fine. I'm dying. Decaying with a clows laugh. A magician's trick. Watch the lady dance while I switch the birds around.

I'm so tired...

Can I sleep away the days until no one remembers what to look for? Can I hide in illusionary dreams until the world forgets my name?

Will the porcilin leak if I keep hiding my tears? Smears of white face and red stain across my neck...a pretty little tragedy.

If I go insane can I make the lies real?

I want to play a game of "Let's Pretend" and keep everyone from the fear. No trouble, no strife, just life, in an endless rut. But the corners are getting harder and harder to lift, and the salty taste is choking me.

I want to scream, but the mask is smothering me.