The Begining of Vlad

[saitaina]

Behind the cut is the opening bits of "Vlad". I'm seriously not happy with it but here it is for you lot to pick apart. Please, do.

His name was Vladimir, but no one ever called him that…unless you were his father and rather pissed off at him. Vlad was a prince, a king, a lover, a demon. He was your every fantasy and your every nightmare.

He was a fallen angel, chosen to seduce you into madness and lust. He was the dreams that you could barley remember; yet longed to forget.

He was my prince. My King. My lover. He was my everything. He was my beginning, and my end. He was…my brother.

Vlad was born in the year 1431, a cold November night that left him screaming. But Vlad was truly born in 1447, when our father and eldest brother were killed. That was when Vlad Tepes Dracula, became Vlad the Impaler.

History remembers my brother as an evil man, a cursed man. But I was the one who stood beside him as his world crashed down around him. I am the one who watched the horrors my brother committed. I, and I alone, knew the tears my brother cried in the darkness of night.

So now I’m here to tell you his story…our story. I never regret what has happened, or what we have done. I make no apologies. I just wish…I wish that history had given him credit, for who he was.

Comments

Wow

[ladykerradine.livejournal.com]

That's awesome. I love it.

Re: Wow

[saitaina]

Thought you might.

[gail-b.livejournal.com]

He was my prince. My King. My lover. He was my everything. He was my beginning, and my end. He was…my brother.

O_o !!!

You've got my curiosity sparked. And I really dig on first person narrative. Let us know when you finish the rest, babe...I'd love to read it.

[saitaina]

I will of course let you know when I finish it, but as it's a fictional hopefully published novel, I'll only be able to let you read parts of it until it's complete.

[haidee.livejournal.com]

well, after that little intro I could just smack you!

Here I am thinking dread thoughts of actually hating something you wrote. You evil, evil woman you.

I thought it was wonderful, so full of tradgedy and pathos. The love just shines on through :)

[saitaina]

Thank you love. I'm still not happy with it but *shrugs*

Re: huh

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

constructive critism... i assume you're not happy with it because it's rather bland... yeah, it's got suspence, captures the eye, but that's the subject and all... the writing itself is sorta last-minute-english paper style, not very exciting.

if it were me, i'd put his actual name and that whole aspect in later. leave the reader asking, "who's this guy that's such a paradox?", and maybe reveal the name in the second to last paragraph. like, maybe:

"He was born in the year 1431, a cold November night that left him screaming. But he was truly born in 1447, when our father and eldest brother were killed. That was when Vladimer Tepes Dracula (no one ever called him Vladimer…unless you were his father and rather pissed off at him), became Vlad the Impaler."

i dunno how the rest of it goes, being a snipit and all, so throwing in historical aspects may have been done already, i just haven't read it. if not, maybe you could work in some of his demonic tendencies, along with some of his angelic ones.

also, switch the second to last paragraph about history with the paragraph about his birth and all. again with the "who is this guy that's all paradox?" thing.

Re: huh

[saitaina]

Well, this IS the begining of the book. It opens with this, then truly opens with Vlad and Radu being sent as prisoners to a forgin country at thirteen (either that or it's going to open with Vlad smacking a christian across the face with his cross...will post that scene later), so nothing else has happened yet. I might try the mystery man aspect thouh...

Re: huh

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

glad some of my critism heped. =)

heard your vacation went well. good times; mine went as smoothly as being flocked with hundreds of random children could go, so i guess we're in about the same boat.

how's that rp thing looking right now?

Re: huh

[saitaina]

I'm still on holiday love, it's for six months. It's still going well though...although gettng tired of mushy displays of affection that I'm being subjected to. After so many years alone it's rather annoying. Would rather be with gay guys then a het couple...at least then I get something to oogle.

The rp is...on hold till I figue out what the fuck we're doing. I have the basic plot but the chars and general ideas are rather foggy. Hard with Vlad and Neville in my head demanding to be written (Neville's freaking out as I left Draco bloody on the floor of Hogwarts last time I wrote for The End of the Begining). *shrugs* I'll get to it. :o)

Re: huh

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

ack, you got the wheels turning in my head for that house thing. i thought of another character, one i was actually going to use in my own house idea. i'll draw up a character sketch and email... sometime.

don't you just hate those mushy displays of affection? it's all i see, being still in high school and all. and people wonder why i'm a recluse, haha.