saitaina | 552

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

It’s been over a month since I’ve been on the new anti-depressant…and I’m getting better. I’m not there yet, but I can smile more, the thoughts of cutting and suicide are no longer plauging me. Everything is not happy and shiny, but at least they’re more gold tinted then they have been in a long while.

As I look back, from my new position of getting better, it’s rather scary, to see how far I fell from August on. I feel as if I was held together by the sheer will not to fall apart, rather then anything else. I felt so alone, yet I knew that that was my own choice. I didn’t want to bother my mother, and I was too scared to talk to anyone else.

It’ll be a long climb from the depths of the depression I fell into, but…I feel like I can made that climb now. Slowly, one day at a time. Mum’s getting better, and now it’s time to focus on healing myself.

It scares me though, because I fear falling back into that dark hole. I fear that next time, I might not be able to hold myself together. I don’t want to die, not really. But each time I fall the idea of getting rid of the pain, the blank emptiness, the lonliness gets more and more attractive and I’m scared, that next time, I won’t have the strength not to give up. That I’ll give in to that seductive offer and make the biggest mistake of my life.

It scares me so bad I’m frozen, petrified, tears stinging my eyes at the thought that I’m weak enough to give in, that I came so close so many times and next time…I may not fight back against the dark thoughts clouding my brain.

Goddess grant me the strength to move forward, to look forward, to breath. Grant me the strength to fight my fear, guide my steps as I move, arm my thoughts with the defense to stand. Goddess, catch me when I fall, light my way when the darkness closes in, and keep your arms around me when the world crumbles away.

I keep trembling as I say these words, my silent prayer for the strength I desperately need. I can feel her with me, holding me, keeping me together, when I just want to break down in the face of my fears and terrors. Hopefully it will be enough, to move on as the day dawns before me.

(on a completely un-related note, I discovered my next MUST have big purchase: DNA Portrait. I’m big on both the criminal sciences and expressing your true self and a framed picture of my DNA is JUST the thing to happily merry both asepcts. Too bad it’s so expenseive. *stares longingly*)