Fucked up Life
Jan. 23rd, 2002 09:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saitainaYes I have not poetic title for this entry, I'm too pissed off to give a fuck about it. My car has officially died. No hope of recovery. Well, my mother thinks there's a hope but I'm not throwing money I don't have into a dead machine. Bloody bitch of a car.
I'm not in a good mood, obviously. I was annoyed before this but now I'm just pissed. Luckily no one reads this so I can rant. Be prepared for pain.
Friends. I love that word, hate the fact I have none. None in real life. Yes, I know you can't have friends if you never leave your apartment but what really is the point of leaving if your just going to spend your time wallowing in lonelyness? I've tried, I've done the play thing and the club thing and the school thing...nada. Sure I have people I can say hi to but I want someone that will call me up on the phone or invite me to just hang out. I used to have those...I lost them eons ago.
Maybe it's because I'm not a friend type person. I don't know how to make friends anymore, or how to act around them. I'm socially disabled, literally. I don't have the social skills of those my age. I don't know how to cultivate friendships and build assotiates...I'm still stuck in the kindergarden age where you could simply go up to a stranger and ask, "Want to be my friend?"
I have some online friends, those that I talk to daily and enjoy spending time with, but then I have a whole group of people I don't know where I stand with and it hurts. I would love to be Al's friend, and John's. I would love to be able to email Rita out of the blue and ask how her day was but...do they want that or am I just chasing a moon? See, they're adults, they no how to hide their feelings so that I'm unsure and confused about what I am to them. The whole group is like that, I never know if they just tolerate me or if they genuinely like me.
No, wait, I do know in one case. Ebony tollerates me. She doesn't really like me and has shown it in un-questionable ways and I'm still smarting over that. But I can get over it, if I just knew where I stood with the rest of them. I would be content in knowing they didn't care for me to be a friend, it would be a releif to know anything really, but instead I'm stuck wondering again.
So this is my fucked up life. Friendless, careless, depressed, worried...all representitive of who I am.
Any wonder it sucks to be me?
I'm not in a good mood, obviously. I was annoyed before this but now I'm just pissed. Luckily no one reads this so I can rant. Be prepared for pain.
Friends. I love that word, hate the fact I have none. None in real life. Yes, I know you can't have friends if you never leave your apartment but what really is the point of leaving if your just going to spend your time wallowing in lonelyness? I've tried, I've done the play thing and the club thing and the school thing...nada. Sure I have people I can say hi to but I want someone that will call me up on the phone or invite me to just hang out. I used to have those...I lost them eons ago.
Maybe it's because I'm not a friend type person. I don't know how to make friends anymore, or how to act around them. I'm socially disabled, literally. I don't have the social skills of those my age. I don't know how to cultivate friendships and build assotiates...I'm still stuck in the kindergarden age where you could simply go up to a stranger and ask, "Want to be my friend?"
I have some online friends, those that I talk to daily and enjoy spending time with, but then I have a whole group of people I don't know where I stand with and it hurts. I would love to be Al's friend, and John's. I would love to be able to email Rita out of the blue and ask how her day was but...do they want that or am I just chasing a moon? See, they're adults, they no how to hide their feelings so that I'm unsure and confused about what I am to them. The whole group is like that, I never know if they just tolerate me or if they genuinely like me.
No, wait, I do know in one case. Ebony tollerates me. She doesn't really like me and has shown it in un-questionable ways and I'm still smarting over that. But I can get over it, if I just knew where I stood with the rest of them. I would be content in knowing they didn't care for me to be a friend, it would be a releif to know anything really, but instead I'm stuck wondering again.
So this is my fucked up life. Friendless, careless, depressed, worried...all representitive of who I am.
Any wonder it sucks to be me?
no subject
Date: 2002-02-20 12:57 pm (UTC)I've no idea how long ago you wrote this entry...you don't write dates. Anyhoo, about the comment on the people in HPfandom,
I know exactly what you mean, they always seem friendly to me but not exactly eager to talk to me, I always have to make the first move and even then it's just them tolerating me...but you know what, it seems to me that they like you!
I mean, when I used to go to chat you all seem to know what's going on with each other and I am sure they really do like you. Maybe not everyone--you mentioned ebony--but hey, universal popularity does not exist.
And about friends in RL...oh, yes, I'm sure the gal hates you, that's why you're her bridesmaid. That's RL!!
Sylph