Letter to Paris

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Paris-

 

I originally didn’t want to send this near the 30th, but I guess it just illistrates a point.

 

After all, the 30th is a happy day.  You first asked me out December 30th…but lately it’s become a sad day.  Because it marks how alone I am.  It tells me how long it’s been since I last talked to you.

 

At first it was just a few days and that was no big thing.  I mean, I don’t have to hear from you ever day, I’m not that clingy…but time passed and the stretches grew longer.  Weeks…monthes.

 

It’s gotten to the point that I only know you’re okay through Val, and it makes me feel depressed and lonely.  And then when I do hear from you it’s in passing for about a minute and while those minutes make me smile…the long stretch afterwards becomes even more unbearable because I have to start the clock over again, waiting for another message.

 

At first you were sick and I understood that, and then there was school and work and I understood THAT, but understanding doesn’t erase the feelings.  And I know I shouldn’t count minutes or hours or days, but I can’t stop.  I can’t stop hoping that in the next minute, or the next hour, or the next day you’ll write.

 

And I know I’m at fault too, I’ve stopped writing as well.  I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.  It just felt so…hopeless.  As if my messages were dissappearing into the either. 

 

I used to think ‘If I could just hear his voice I could stop worrying, stop wondering’, ‘if I just saw his name I could be happy’, but I know that’s impossible because at heart I’m a worry wart.  I worry about mum if I don’t hear from her every few hours.  So I know this is mostly my own problem, my worries projecting themselves into feelings of loss and emptiness.

 

I just wish I could talk to you more then a minute here or there every few monthes.  I know you warned me ahead of time, hell, Val warned me ahead of time, and I was prepared for moments without you.  It’s a part of life, your world can’t revolve around me.

 

I just didn’t think our communication would change so dramatically.  I used to see you at least every night around the board, occasional emails or letters…and that made me happy.  Even if it was just to see your name every night, I knew you were around and okay.

 

I don’t even know what I’m really trying to say anymore.  I’m scared, Paris.  I’m scared I did something wrong and now you’re avoiding me.  All routes of communication are gone and it’s terrifying to me that I might have screwed something up somewhere. 

 

I don’t want to lose you.

 

I’m scared to even write this email, afraid that it may be the catalyst to break us apart and I DON’T want that.  I just…I just want to ’see’ you, to talk to you. 

 

I want to stop crying at night, missing you.

 

I want to know that these entire past ten monthes weren’t a for nothing or a lie, that my love wasn’t some kind of joke and you really care too.

I want to stop feeling so alone when I think about you.  So empty.

I love you, Paris.  And…I hope you’re okay.  I miss you.  I hope college isn’t sucking the life out of you and you find some time to have some fun.  I hear from Val it’s harsh right now.

 

Write soon…please.