saitaina | I am not strong and the mask is cracking…

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I had a meeting with mum, her therepaist, her social worker and the discharge nurse at BHU.

When did ‘finding out when mum’s coming home’ become ‘attack sait until she sobs brokenly and force her to do shit’?

Because that’s what happened.

I walke in their, they start discussing what a bad person I ‘am (I’m over enthusastic in my behaviors via hugs and other things, I insult my mother, I put stress on her by doing “nothing” around the house, I am a loser who needs to get a job .

Then they said I appear to have low self esteem and seem ‘depressed’. I just nodded while crying but I wanted to SCREAM at them.

No SHIT I seem depressed, I’m fucking BROKEN. I wake up, I watch the children, I talk to my friends, I got to bed, my routine doesn’t change from the moment I put on the happy smiling everything is fine mask to the moment I take it off and cry in my sleep, trembling with fear.

I’m not depresed, I’m losing my goddamn mind and you idiots aren’t making it better!

They have now set…conditions on mum coming home. And one of them is that I have to go to THERAPY, something I detest with every fiber of my being due to a long standing HATRED of theraphist and the psyc community after so many years of bullshit various therepists have put me through.

But if I don’t go, they are recomending I be required to move before they allow mum to come home.

I cried for nearly an hour when they threw all this shit at me, feeling as if I were being attacked, and am still crying now.

They made me feel like the lowest, most pathetic scum that ever crawled on the earth and expect me to just sit there and take it, because if I don’t, I can’t live with my mother.