saitaina | 447

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I know I should walk away…give up and close that door, I have enough drama and stress in my life without inviting more in, not to mention it’s a lost cause…he’s all but told me it’s a lost cause

But I can’t.

I can’t just shut off my emotions and I cant’ just pretend they dont’ exist. I love him, and have loved him for ten monthes.

Yeah it would be nice to move on, to forget about him as anything but a friend, but myheart doesnt’ listen to logic, and it doesn’t listen to words that I really don’t mean.

But now there’s this and I could lose even the limist chance in hell through fate. And I’m sared and just want someone to hold me and tell me it’ll be alright but I’m not going to get it (and frankly wouldn’t accept it) because I am, when you get down to basics, just an outsider on this. It’s their problem and they’re the ones who deserve the comfort and the nice words.

And the friend side of me wants to be their, to hold their hands and give them a shoulder and an ear but there’s still the selfish part of me that wants it all to disappear so I can go back to my fairtale word of one day achiving a happily ever after with him.

I knwo what I should dow…I know what I want to do…but I can’t find the words that a friend would say. There are no easy words in this situation and while I’m right there with them in REALLY not wanting this to happen, I can’t say that because what if it does happen and they change their minds and remember how much I was against it? And it’s made even harder to find the right words when I have to think of my side, even though I don’t really have a side or a right and I’m just being selfish.

But I love him and want to be selfish…even though I know I can’t be.

…I should have fallen in love with a fish. Fish are easy. Humans are not easy.

I just…I want him to be happy.

Okay I want him to be happy with ME but that’s not happening unless I knock him over the head and change his way of thinking so…I just want him to be happy.

And safe. Happy and safe.

And if this makes him happy…

I can allow him to be happy without destroying what we have. I will never forget how I feel…but if things go south, I guess what I feel won’t be that important so it’s no matter if I burry it.

And I still don’t know what to say to either one of them. Someone needs to come up with scripts for friends in these situations, it would make things a hell of a lot easier then tearing your hair out trying to figure out the right words.