Letter to Paris

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Pari-Bunny-

Sorry it’s taken so long to write, I’ve been ill.

Anyway, you asked if I like art. I do in fact like it. In fact, I like all of the arts from fine art to dramatic art, music, ect.

My favorite artist of all time would have to be Leonardo DaVinci. Although I think I like him more for his scientific and humanitarian pursuits then his true art (I just don’t “get” the Mona Lisa…she’s not that cute and her smile is bland…). DaVinci was a genius though. It’s a pity his journals were lost. He never got the credit he really deserved. Poor guy.

My second favorite artist would be…crap…what is his name..the melting clocks guy…h! Dali! I LOVE his paintings.

My cut won’t stop rubbing against your letter.

Himm, I guess I can’t really choose a favorite artist. I love Degas’ dancers, and almost everything Monet does. I also enjoy looking at VanGohg’s works and the painting “The Scream”.

I can’t remember if you told me your faforites, so tell me again?

Do you have a favorite play?

I’m a fan of most Shakespere and some musical comedies, though I really love murder mysteries. Must come from reading so many Nancy Drew stories. I’ve goten so addicted to those I now collect them. I haunt used bookstores to find copies.

Speaking of books, I’m expecting an order from Overstock.com containing four manga from the Case Closed series…which is playing on telly right now. I’m addicted to this series I think.

Friday 19, August, 2005, 5.16pm

I’m trying to make an animated “I Love Lucy icon and alll my utilities are giving me problesm extracting the frams. Ugh, so annoying.
But I shall pursavere!

You’re supposed to be getting your PA today. I’m rather not expecting to see you online tonight, exspecially after that. I’m not looking forward to you going back to school. I miss you enough as it is, and that will only get worse once school starts.

At least we have these letters through, right?

The home loan didn’t come through. I have no idea what we’re going to do for money without it. The bank is still looking for another option , but I feel so hopeless about it right now. I’m almost desperate enough to sell myself on the corner. I won’t of course, but we’re that desperate.

I’m so tired. You and Val keep me up all night and then I have to get up early. I keep yawning and wanting to nod off. I have no idea how I’m going to do with Val’s new rule. The reason I haven’t worked on a new novel in several monthes is because I can’t write. Trying to force words from my brain is like trying to get blood from a stone.

I role-play because it’s a “break” from fiction. I can rely on other people to help get a scene done. If it was just me, I’d write about five or six pages and not write again for several monthes (if I get that much done).

I sear, it’s like my brain dried up.

But I’m not ready to leave you all yet, but so scared I’m going to be sent away.

Would you still love me if Valley got rid of me? :o)

You’ve been so tired lately, I hope you’re okay. I’m one of those people who likes to do everything she can to help those she cares about but I’m not sure what would help you. Do I try to help or just leave you to figure it out yourself?

11.56pm-

The icon is DONE! All of it, COMPLETLY! *dies*

Now to do the two icons for hp_hush. Sooo much easier then the animated one.

Saterday, 20 August, 2005, 11.11pm-

I’m trying to upload my Gravi icons to gravi_icon_art, and I can’t find Tohma and his animated shirt. I made so many lately that he’s hiding. *growls*

Monday, 22 Aughust, 2005, 11.07pm-

You know, there are days I hate you and Val being at each other’s house because you keep distracting each other. *giggles*

I think I should stop colouring pictures and making icons but I just…can’t. It’s a nice distraction from my worries.

We got another rejection for a loan, they told mum she had no credit but a good credit score. They said she should get a credit card to build up her credit…except no credit company will give her a card and we don’t know why.

This is so frustrating.

I don’tknow what we’re going to do and we NEED the money.

11.43pm-

I have discovered that it’s hard to listen to Depeche Mode’s “Master and Servant” while talking to you without getting ideas. Maybe because you’re one of the few I trust that way.
Thursday, 25 August, 2005, 1am-

I’m trying to make icons from the pictures of females Val sent me off your computer and have disovered it’s hard to make a beige/tan colour.

1.08am-

HA! I discovered the secret! Sepia tone it and extract the correct colour!

5.51am-

I’m glad you liked the icons I made for you. They were difficult, but rewarding to make. I took so long doing them because they were for you.
6.29am-

Your ex is on the board and I’m watching the conversation with fear and dread in my heart. Fear, not only for what I have invested in this, such as my heart and emotional involvement, but fear for you, for your emotional health and stability. I fear your love for her may cloud your reason and memory.

No, I don’t know everything and no, it’s not really my place, but I do love you, weither or not you belive it or not and I do want what’s best for you. And as such, I do not belive it is her. I belive she will destroy you. That she will ruin what is left of you and leave a broken, tattered soul behind. She has already worked so far towards this goal.

I try to help you, pour what I can into you and seal the cracks so it doesn’t come back out, but there are so many cracks and somedays the void feeels endless. I won’t stop, of course. Not until the void is filled and you are whole…or I die.

But it’s hard to watch you go and fling yourself towards the rocks.

I shouldn’t read this.

It’s wrong of me and it hurts so much. It hurts because I can’t help you and I can’t stop you and even if I could, would it be right to do so?

I’m crying right now and I can’t even figure out what I’m crying for. Pain? Fear? Loss? There are so many emotions swirling around that I can’t seperate any of them. Just bits and pieces that make up a painful whole.

I want to seperate myself from the situation, to think and act as a friend, to be supportive of you, your emotions and your actions, but I don’t know how to seperate out my feelings in order to give you what I should.

Do you know?

Do you know how to make it so your own cares don’t get in the way of being a friend?

Maybe…maybe that’s just it. Maybe I can’t and shouldn’t be your friend because I can’t seperate the two.

I say I want you to be happy, no matter what or with who, and I do, really I do, but there’s still a part of me that would rather you were happy and with me then any other.

And I can’t really be your friend and support you until I learn how to shut that off.

I don’t know where this leaves us. I still love you and I know that will never change, you are my world, or a least a very, very large part of it.

But I can’t be your friend if I can’t seperate out my emotions for your own good.

How can I love you, if I let those emotions hurt you, just as much as the pain I want to protect you from?

But…wouldn’t walking away hurt too?

Goddess I’m so confused now and crying because I don’t know what to do!

Do I stay and love you and be your friend? Do I walk away and protect you from myself?

It’s all so confusing and I’m so lost.

I’m probably just a burden to you anyway. Just a silly little girl with delusions of love and romantical fantasies.

She knows so god damn much about you…but I guess that’s just to be expected.

Shit, this is like some god damned soap opera, a tragedy for the gods.

I want to die.

I’m probably not going to send you this part of the letter. It’s too real, too painful…too…everything.

I’ll probably throw it away or put it with the rest of the notes and bits of letters that get edited out and filed away, the author being too scared and chicken to send it.

And so I will hide it away, with all thing left unsaid and undone between us.

That was a quote from the movie, “legends of the Fall”, in case you didn’t know. Great movie…sad movie. I always wanted to use that line somewhere….i never knew how much the words could truly hurt…how much hopelessness an author would hae to feel to be able to truly mean them.

The three of us are online right now in the same thread. Only I’m silent. Only, I realize howmuch I don’t belong. I should turn away, click out, but I can’t. I must be a masocist, to keep reading, keep going despite the fact I know every post will hurt more than the last.

Six pages. I have just written six pages of useless drivel that you will never see.

I have ink all over my hands again, I need a new brand of pen, these always leak. I would appolagize for it but it’s not like it matters.

Hmm, she left. But she’ll be back and then you two will move the conversation away, out of my eyesight. I should be glad. It’ll stop hurting. But I feel as though if you take the conversation away…she’ll take you away. Irrational and stupid, but there you go.

8.37am-

Val just told me to send this, in the entirety. She said you would want to know. No, she doesn’t know what it says, only vaugy what it’s about.

Soo…

Now you know.

I hope you won’t hate me or feel mad or upset or…something. Neither of us can change who we are or the situation or how we feel.

I will try, very, very hard to keep my emotions out of our relationship, as such that we have one, so as not to upset or hurt you.

FUCK! The garbage truck just scared the shit out of me.

It’s so queit now, after all that drama and emotion. I’m so sleepy…

And I think I should go brush my teeth because I can taste bile and blood in my mouth. In fact, it’s coating my throat…stupid hernia.

I just read this HUGE article about California’s I-238 and why it should or should not be re-named because the name is “wrong”…no idea why I read it, I have no interstates or their names or any of it, I just…read it. Something to learn I suppose.

oww…

My hand hurts from writing so much.

I’m going to close this off now since it’s so long, but before I do, here’s an amusing little tidbit.

She mentioned you have a “sick bear”? The phrase threw me for a loop since I have not one, but several.

Ever since I was a wee lass, Mum has gotten me a bear while I was sick. Now that phrase has morphed to mean any small treat, but I will always remember the handfull of stuffed bears that kept me company while I was ill.

The name of most of them?

Ted E. Bear. :o)