The Lost Child

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Reality comes to some of us at diffrent times in our lives. For some we’re young, for some, we’re older, and for some…it comes when it’s too late.

I’ve always gotten tastes of reality. Small truths that were easy to ignore. But sometimes, reality is hard to ignore.

I’ve always wanted what I can’t have. It’s a disease, a sickness. My main want, was to be wanted…loved. Generally, I am. I have a loving mother, a rather decent extended family (when not drunk or out of their tree, or an uncle). But I still need the attention, the love, no matter how fake.

So I seek out the attention, usually in the form of friends, or in my lovely fucked up brain, the “in crowd”. After all, if you’re popular, you’re loved.

In Junior High School, I wanted to be a cheerleader, after all…cheerleaders are always popular. I never made the team (rather obviously) but I tried everything to seem part of the “crowd”. I coached, I did extra work to help out the team, I tried to “fit in”.

In High School, it was the Drama Club and friends who ruled the school. I did the drama club thing, and the drama class thing, and still watched from the sidelines. I was always the one who was just there, just in the back ground, only noticed when someone needed me to do something for them.

I’ve always said that people either love me or hate me. There’s never any in between. But that’s not true. There’s a lot of in between, but mostly…mostly it’s just in diffrence, or people who can’t stand me, but don’t waste the entergy to tell me.

This is what I’ve always known, but hid from. After all, if my main desire is lust, why would I face a reality where I’m not the person people want to love?

But…you can’t escape reality forever. I have to face up to who I am, just like everyone does eventually.

I am so tempted to just end my time in HP. And that thought isn’t really as random as it sounds. My entire stay in the HP has been one eppisode of Junior and Senior High School all over again. Always wanting, always trying, always forcing…always on the outside, looking in.

Saterday finally shoved this into my face. For all I thought I had it made, for all I assumed I was ‘in’. I’m so far on the outer rings it’s not even funny. I watched the in crowd, almost as much as I watched the movie. I tasted the bitterness of reality as I watched the people I liked and cared about, look at me as if I were a worm…no, wait, they would have reconized a worm.

I love what I do…most of the time. And generally, it’s a great bunch of people I deal with. But , fuck…I don’t know.

I can’t deal with this anymore, I can’t deal with who I am anymore. I can’t understand what’s wrong with me…or where I’m failing. I know I try to hard but, this is who I am…an overactive, hyper, bitchy, idiotic, fun loving, moody, loving, brooding, fucked up drama queen.

So why can’t people love and accept me…