(no subject)

[saitaina]

Neville smiled at Hermione as she came into the room and snuggled up against Susan under their blanket, passing her lover a cup of hot cocoa. Neville shook his head and turned back to the book in his hands, getting used to the displays of affection the two women showed. The fire crackled merrily as Neville turned a page, falling back into his book, into the muggle world contained within it's pages. He licked his lips slowly, ignoring the sting of his cracked lips as his eyes drank in the words, lost in the world beneath his eyes, gasping as a sword penetrated his hero's chest. He suddenly screamed as a hand covered the words he was reading and looked up, glaring at Dennis whom gave him a small smile.

"You're being called." Denis said, nodding towards Percy who looked slightly put out after yelling Neville's name a few times.

"Oh," Neville said softly and he replaced the bookmark, setting the novel on the table as he stood and walked over to Percy.

Percy frowned down at him, his blue ice cold as he silently looked over Neville's face before spinning on his heel, heading out of the common room. Neville followed silently, sighing softly at Percy's antics.

It had been like this for days since Percy walked in on him and Draco in the Comman Room. Neville had tried to explain but gave up after Dean pointed out he had nothing to explain. It was Percy's fault he had issues with his former lover moving on. The pair walked to Dumbledore's office, both saying the password at the same time. Percy glared at Neville before standing on the moving staircase. Neville rolled his eyes and joined Percy, wondering what Dumbledore could want with him this late at night.

As they opened the main office door they say Dumbledore at his desk, feeding Fawks a bit of candy, no smile or twinkle to be found on the old man's face as he nodded to them, gesturing to take a seat.

Neville did as requested and frowned, wondering what now was going on. Percy sat next to Neville, playing with a pen that he used for taking notes. Dumbledore finally sat down and looked at them. "I received a frantic owl this morning from Gryffindor Tower.

Comments

As promised

[megd.livejournal.com]

Overall, very well written piece. It definitely grabbed my attention and held onto it (considering I have the attention span of a fruit fly, that is saying something.)

A few small technical points. (that darn liberal arts education kicked in)

1. First paragraph, "He licked his lips slowly, ignoring the sting of his cracked lips as his eyes drank in the words, lost in the world beneath his eyes, gasping as a sword penetrated his hero's chest." The second eyes seems to be repetitive. At least to me.

2. 4th paragraph "Percy frowned down at him, his blue ice cold as he silently looked over Neville's face before spinning on his heel, heading out of the common room. Neville followed silently, sighing softly at Percy's antics." You are missing the word eyes in the first sentence (his blue ice cold). I don't know if you would call them antics. Antics at least in my mind implies some degree of humor, which you don't seem to be conveying at this point. Personally, I would leave it at Percy.

3. 5th paragraph Which common room? It's implied. But then again, maybe I am just slow.

4. Check spelling. I know this was probably a rough draft. Dennis is spelled two ways and Fawkes is spelled with an e, I think.

I loved the ending. Will have to find time to read this story more fully.

Sorry this is so late.

Meg

Re: As promised

[saitaina]

There's only one common room in Hogwarts now. I suppose it would help if you read the story *hint, hint* but there's now only Gryffindor House.

And yes, it's a rought draft, my beta hasn't even had a chance to go over it.