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Mar. 18th, 2011 10:52 amHappy Birthday, Momma!
Mar. 18th, 2011
Dreams and realizations
Mar. 18th, 2011 01:05 pmLast night I had an odd dream. In it I had my father, sister and step-mother here (as I did over the holidays...I believe I ranted about it before) and I was at the same time packing up the house (I'm facing losing the house...nothing imediate, but enough that I've been eying the clutter and wondering what to keep).
Out of the blue, my mother comes in and to my dream self, it's normal. Even though I knew she was dead (weird how our subconcious works). I introduced her to the others and told them to chat, I had to pack up things. My dream self was too 'busy' moving on with things to spend time with her (I distincly remember telling her, "I have to pack, since I can't keep the house because of your mistakes").
When I woke up and replayed this dream, I realized...I'm not the same person she left behind six months ago. I'm not someone who can drop everything to deal with her crisis, nor am I emotionally the same person who can just put aside my wants and desires for hers. I've moved on, and will keep moving forward.
It's a weird thought, but a comforting one. I CAN keep moving forward, I can re-build my life out of the ashes. I don't need to cling to that hope that she'll come back and make it all better because I can make my own way.
I'm comforted by this seemingly cold dream (because really, brushing off your deceased loved one because you OMG have to pack right now!) because it's core is not the coldness, but the idea of healing and finding a new path.
Although it also says something about my family, sitting around while I do the work. *grins*
Out of the blue, my mother comes in and to my dream self, it's normal. Even though I knew she was dead (weird how our subconcious works). I introduced her to the others and told them to chat, I had to pack up things. My dream self was too 'busy' moving on with things to spend time with her (I distincly remember telling her, "I have to pack, since I can't keep the house because of your mistakes").
When I woke up and replayed this dream, I realized...I'm not the same person she left behind six months ago. I'm not someone who can drop everything to deal with her crisis, nor am I emotionally the same person who can just put aside my wants and desires for hers. I've moved on, and will keep moving forward.
It's a weird thought, but a comforting one. I CAN keep moving forward, I can re-build my life out of the ashes. I don't need to cling to that hope that she'll come back and make it all better because I can make my own way.
I'm comforted by this seemingly cold dream (because really, brushing off your deceased loved one because you OMG have to pack right now!) because it's core is not the coldness, but the idea of healing and finding a new path.
Although it also says something about my family, sitting around while I do the work. *grins*