Confusion

[saitaina]

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't stop thinking about that damn piercing, wanting it back in a way I've never wanted something.

I only had it for a damn day, why is it clinging to me like that?

I feel like a part of me is missing without it. I don't get it, it's a bloody hole in my mouth, a wound, and yet I long for it.

Grrr.

So bloody annoying.

An an un-related note, someone's words are haunting me and I have no idea why. An old friend told me the other day that my writing hasn't improved since I started years ago, that I'm repeating the same things.

I want to deny it but I'm not sure if I can. I had hoped, that after seven years, my writing would have improved, at least a bit, but now I sit, staring at my words wondering if she's right and I'm not changing at all, not getting better.

I know my genre's repeate, romance, angst, melodrama, but that's usual isn't it? Writers write what they like.

But the actual quality of my writing...that should have improved, but now...if it hasn't, then what's the point? If Broken Shards (2001) is really exactly like Magician's Waltz (current) in terms of quality and talent...then really, what's the point of continuing. If I can't grow...

My editor dispares of me. There's always something that I fail at in a chapter until she wants to hit me (if I already haven't annoyed her with my plot ideas). I want so badly to be a good writer, to weave a tale that will capture people and give them a ride for however long it takes, but after so many discussions and arguments over plot details I'm wondering if my ideas are just pathetically mundane and stupid.

I'm jealous of her. She has the talent I've always hoped I had, but feared I would never obtain. Her thoughts on a plot, her comments mean a great deal to me when it comes to my writing and I want so badly to impress her, to get to her like where my plots are going, but I feel as if she seems my work as bland pieces that she's forced to read and correct.

There's a whole group like her, writers that I'm awed by and wish to live up to. It's been a long time since I found a group of writers like them, hard working, brilliant, able to craft such stories that make you wish it would never end.

We all write for the same fandom, and as far as I can tell, have been writing for the same amount of time in our lives (online and off), but I still feel like a child, waiting for the adults approval.

I've spent so much time, laboring over each word, each line, that the joy is leaving me. I no longer simply write, letting the words flow, accepting the twists and turns without disecting them and weighing them. I've spent so much time that it's eating away at everything, I can't make a graphic, read a book, simply veg out without thinking of what I need to finish.

I can't even find the damn time to return to Morbid's and my story, which is almost important to me as "Magician's Waltz".

*sigh* I need chocolate.

Comments

[alienyak.livejournal.com]

*de-lurks to offer internet chocolate of your choice... I don't think the real stuff will pass quarantine*

I just read Broken Shards for comparison, and I don't think it's like Magician's Waltz at all. Broken Shards seemed a lot more clinical, neat but without much emotion displayed, whereas Magician's Waltz I think is all ABOUT emotion, internal conflict, etc. The only thing I think is similar is use of gorgeous imagery.

I know that the thing I like most about your writing is the raw emotion in it, something that I've realised I REALLY struggle at. Since that wasn't as prominent in 2001, you've improved in my humble opinion.

Your editor's Joisbishmyoga, right? (Er, if not, just ignore the below) Her writing is awesome, true, and very detailed in plot, but your writing is great as well, just with a very different style. Maybe the source of conflict is because you have very different focuses?

I fail as a reviewer, but will try to review and offer more (hopefully helpful) opinions frequently in the future.

[saitaina]

I...thank you.

Emotion and imagry are the things I've been attempting to portray in my stories since I started and I'm glad that it's coming through.

Yes, Jo is my editor. I can see your view, our writing focus IS different and that could be why we always seem to clash heads when it comes to plot points.

Arg, I wonder how much of this frustration with my writing is real or just me avoiding taking a new leap in my writing with the upcoming chapter. I'm so worried I wont' be able to write an up coming scene with the beauty and sexuality it deserves that I think it's leaking over to a fear of ALL of my writing.

[alienyak.livejournal.com]

No problem. ^_^

If it's any help, this new scene sounds very exciting already (nods to the power of your descriptor/emotion combo). Is it part of Magician's Waltz or something completely new?

(Btw, may I friend?)

[saitaina]

If it's any help, this new scene sounds very exciting already (nods to the power of your descriptor/emotion combo). Is it part of Magician's Waltz or something completely new?

It is part of Magician's Waltz, chapter thirteen.

And of course you may friend, my journal is very friends open. *grins*

[alienyak.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Done.

[saitaina]

ARG *beats Saguru and Kid with a haddock* Do what I tell you!

*cough* sorry, adding back.

[alienyak.livejournal.com]

^_^

[jeva-chan.livejournal.com]

*raises hand* Okay, I haven't read Broken Shards, but I still very much doubt that you haven't grown as a writer since then. Sure, they may in fact be similar in the way of style or whatever, but that may be because you have your own personal style of writing. Which is actually a lot better than having a malleable writing style that changes with every story, so I hear. But while you may have a specific style of yours, it does change in regard to how it is presented, I'm sure--as the commentor above pointed out, one is more detail-oriented while the other is more emotionally-oriented. While it's never a good thing to have too much of one thing, this is fanfiction. Fanfiction allows authors to write continuations or different possibilities of stories already written while also giving us a place to work on our writing styles and perfect the art of balancing a story between details and emotions and plot and character development.

And anyway, from what I gather, Jo is maybe two years older than you. While that may not seem like a lot of difference, it can make all the difference in something like writing. We all have our own paces. You can't continuously look to someone else's progress and despair at your own unless you plan to change that despair into determination to do better and excell.

Which is all hypocritical of me to say. Heh. To be honest, part of the reason I don't have a beta is that I don't want to have to deal with people trying to bend me to their ways of thinking. But then again, it also hurts me in the way that... well... I fail with working with others and if I ever wanna get something published, I'm going to have to get used to the idea that people aren't going to like how I write things--hell, most of the time, I say I hate my own writings but if I heard it from someone else? Totally would make me freeze up for a while before I could get the determination to prove them wrong. But eh... we all come across that problem sooner or later.

*pats* So don't worry so much. Just keep writing and keep working at improving yourself. Genius is 10% inspiration and 90% persperation. *thumbs up*

[saitaina]

Thank you for your words of encoragement.

I agree with what you say (er, except that Jo and I are only a year apart in terms of age *grins), and I need to just stop looking at everyone else really and focus on my own things.

I think I was having a whiney day.