saitaina | Insanity is my friend

I just got done visiting mum. I was there when she talked to her doctor because she couldn't find a polite way to tell me to go away. Found out she tried to kill herself again last night by stuffing tissue paper up her n ose and in her mouth. Wanted to hit her sooo bad but the doc was there.

I mean, honestly, how many times do I have to beg her to live and get better before she gets it. How long can I keep listening to her and watching her fall more and more before I give up. I'm so far at my wits end I'm surprised I haven't been commited yet.

I'm so far beyond upset I don't even have tear to cry anymore. I just want this all to end, and I know that's selfish of me but I'm just....so tired. I want to sleep and not wake up until she's better and home again so *I* don't have to deal with it anymore, let alone her.

And I'm so ashamed to feel that way because I should only be caring about her right now, and not my own pain and heartache.

Started writing again...but then stopped halfway through a poem because I couldnt' think anymore. I posted the snipit below in case anyone wants to see more crap poetry from yours truly.

Screaming without sound,

crying without tears,

Prayers upon the ground.

The sounds of shoes hitting the ground,

a dancer falling, a dream fading,

Cry out, scream out, whisper unbound.

Insanity calling, despair clawing,

trapped in the darkness, no one listening

with the shadows of a broken mind gnawing.