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saitainaI really, REALLY wish people would quit harping on the fact I 'don't leave the house'.
I understand that it's not 'normal' for a human to prefer staying in a room, staring at a computer rather then leaving (or at least according to everyone I know), but I DO honestly prefer it.
I have an anxiety disorder, it acts up when I'm around other people, particularly strangers. The world outside my front door, just happens to be filled with strangers. Add that in with my blatent dislike of humanity in general and the computer seems rather nicer then being constantly uncomfortable.
I go outside when I need to...I just see no need to do it when I don't need to. I have no intrest to go our and surround myself with people that make my skin crawl...
So why does no one see this?
I'm tired of attempting to explain it, I just want them to get off my back.
To me, being near a stranger, in any sense (shopping, going to the post office...just walking past them), is akin to standing naked in the middle of a crowded room, with everyone staring at you. The feeling of eyes constantly on me, the sounds of whispers as people 'talk about me'. It's an itchy, creepy feeling. My skin literally feels as if it's trying to crawl off my body and run away.
Voices are too loud and echoe in my head. My mind is constantly searching, trying to figure out what people are saying about me (and yes I know they're not, doesn't mean anything to my subconcious), my eyes dart around, trying to find the people staring at me. I want to curl up in a little ball and block everything out but I can't.
Why would ANYONE who constantly felt that way wish to leave their 'safe place' without good cause? The stress of the symptoms and trying to hide it all so you don't freak out...or look like a freak is enough to exaust you and make you never want to leave.
Despite this feeling, I think I do pretty damn good, leaving when I do. I go when I have appointments or meetings, I go when mum asks it of me, I go when I feel the urge to get out of these four walls (which get rather clausterphobic).
Hell, I got on a plane all by my little self and traveled across country to meet a bunch of strangers, I consider that a pretty good step considering how much I wanted OFF that damn plane. Okay so I had a few freak outs in Philidelphia but it was a STEP. Not a cure.
I'm trying, and it's the best I can do. I don't like people, I don't feel comfortable around people, and I wish people would just leave me the hell alone about it.
I understand that it's not 'normal' for a human to prefer staying in a room, staring at a computer rather then leaving (or at least according to everyone I know), but I DO honestly prefer it.
I have an anxiety disorder, it acts up when I'm around other people, particularly strangers. The world outside my front door, just happens to be filled with strangers. Add that in with my blatent dislike of humanity in general and the computer seems rather nicer then being constantly uncomfortable.
I go outside when I need to...I just see no need to do it when I don't need to. I have no intrest to go our and surround myself with people that make my skin crawl...
So why does no one see this?
I'm tired of attempting to explain it, I just want them to get off my back.
To me, being near a stranger, in any sense (shopping, going to the post office...just walking past them), is akin to standing naked in the middle of a crowded room, with everyone staring at you. The feeling of eyes constantly on me, the sounds of whispers as people 'talk about me'. It's an itchy, creepy feeling. My skin literally feels as if it's trying to crawl off my body and run away.
Voices are too loud and echoe in my head. My mind is constantly searching, trying to figure out what people are saying about me (and yes I know they're not, doesn't mean anything to my subconcious), my eyes dart around, trying to find the people staring at me. I want to curl up in a little ball and block everything out but I can't.
Why would ANYONE who constantly felt that way wish to leave their 'safe place' without good cause? The stress of the symptoms and trying to hide it all so you don't freak out...or look like a freak is enough to exaust you and make you never want to leave.
Despite this feeling, I think I do pretty damn good, leaving when I do. I go when I have appointments or meetings, I go when mum asks it of me, I go when I feel the urge to get out of these four walls (which get rather clausterphobic).
Hell, I got on a plane all by my little self and traveled across country to meet a bunch of strangers, I consider that a pretty good step considering how much I wanted OFF that damn plane. Okay so I had a few freak outs in Philidelphia but it was a STEP. Not a cure.
I'm trying, and it's the best I can do. I don't like people, I don't feel comfortable around people, and I wish people would just leave me the hell alone about it.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 02:18 am (UTC)well, maybe not as extreme as you, but if I have a choice, I'd rather stay at home and goof off online.
so ignore the poo heads who get on your case and do things at your own pace. I figure as long as you're brave enough to leave the house to get food, who cares about anything else?
no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 12:55 am (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 01:23 am (UTC)I've just discovered if it's something like Lumos or my trip to Philly, I need to create a 'safe' space for myself to be alone. I didn't have that in Philidelphia and if you go back to that month I was there, I was getting worse towards the end because I had no way to 'refresh' myself.
Coping is..intresting. Sometimes, if my mood is good, I can channel the nervous energy of feeling like I'm constantly watched and started at into that side that LIKES to be watched and started at. The part of me that was the acress and the performer. It's that side of me you know more, the hyper, child like, joke making girl who will do anything for attention and public specticle.
It's when my mood is down or I've been out too long that I have to simply sheild myself from people. I walk faster, keep my head down, make little or no contact and have an invisible blanket between me and everyone to try to keep from simply sensing that I'm nto alone.
It's..hard to explain. It's mostly a mental coping technique...but in the end I just have to go home and....shed the feelings left by being around people.
It's easier to go out if I have someone I'm comfortable with, with me, like my mother or the two boys we watch. It's like having a touch stone. When I'm alone, if it's not an open space (like the fairs we have around here or the Boardwalk in Atlantic City), I feel clausterphobic and pressed upon. That's when it gets really bad.
...which makes it weird I like shopping alone at Christmas time but I think that's because I like to watch people and Christmas shopping is the best time.
Sorry if any of that confused you...I live with it and it confuses me. I can do something just fine and next time I go to the place or whatever I have a mental freak out. I don't get it but...I deal.
no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 11:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-02-02 03:52 am (UTC)*hug*
Keskat
Date: 2006-02-09 09:10 pm (UTC)These things are challenges, and they're hard, and no one who doesn't have anxieties can understand. Try not to let it get to you. As long as you're trying to get out there as your own pace, you're doing the best you can with it.