Breaking down

[saitaina]

I think I've learned just how far I can be pushed before I break.

Mum's bitch of a boss didn't pay me tonight so the twenty-five dollars we desperately need TOMORROW to keep our water from being shut off isn't here and the water company isn't taking anymore delays so I'm going be without water completly.

Also said bitch is seeing right through every lie I freaking tell her about mum (mom obvsiously doesn't want her to know what sort of hospital she's in) so she's yelling at me for keeping to the story that mum went to Sacred Heart for breathing problems. All I can do is keep repeating that only family is allowed to contact her and I get flack for that and I just want to scream at her it's none of her damn buisness and to leave me the fuck alone but I can't because I'm supposed to be nice to her.

Grandmere yelled at me for visiting mum tonight saying 'no one should see her' and I want to shake her and remind her this is her fucking DAUGHTER who almost commited suicide and what kind of fucking mother is she not to want to be there for her and remind her what she had to live for and she's even more mad at me for not taking her to her bloody eye surgery today when, excuse me, my mother was taken by cops to a hospital for nearly commiting suicide, excuse me if I have other things on my mind

And mum still wants to die and the only thing tying her to this life is me so I can't decided weither to cling to her or plan her fucking funneral...

...and I can't even fucking cry because if I break down there's nothing holding anyone together. Not to mention it seems my body's forgotten how to cry.

I can't even pay a fucking bill...how am I supposed to keep things running smoothly and not bother mum about it and there's no one willing to help me figure this out.

Edit: Mum just called and I finally brust into tears...now I can't stop. It hurts to bad...

Comments

[macloudt.livejournal.com]

Oh, Saity {{{more hugs}}}

[sheryll.livejournal.com]

{hugs}

Ah, honey, it'll get better.

{{{more hugs}}}

[saitaina]

Hopefully. I ended up getting the money for the waterbill luckily. I paid that this morning before I went to bed.

Still have the urge to poke my eyes out with a pencil...won't, but it would be intresting to explain why I'm rooming with mum on the psych ward.

[sheryll.livejournal.com]

You could poke your eyes with the spork from my icon. Icon was inspired by saying that parts of HBP made me want to spork my eyes out. :)

Glad you got the water bill paid. Mine fun these days is with the phone company. The tech came yesterday to fix the lines. They were working when he left, died in the middle of a call this morning and were working when I got home from work. Had to call Amanda on my cell on my way to work so she could give MEG a head's up that my participation depends on the whim of the Phone Gods. ;)

[ladykerradine.livejournal.com]

Hey...you know I'm always here if you need me.

[saitaina]

I know babydoll, and I thank you. Just...tired and stressed out. I got the cash to pay the water bill though so I'm happy...ish.

[ladykerradine.livejournal.com]

Paying bills is good.

[yellowhorde.livejournal.com]

*hug* Hang in there. Things just HAVE to get better. Because it would really suck ass if they got much worse.

I won't rant, and I know I have no right to say anything on this matter (please forgive me if I offend you), but what your grandmother said about your mother just isn't right. She needs her family - all of her family - more than ever right now and her trying to ignore the problem or hide from it isn't going to do anyone any good.

Sorry. Again, I meant no offense. You and yours have our prayers.

[saitaina]

My grandmother's a bitchy little whore who deserves to get everything back via karama...

Sum it up? *beams*