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saitainaNearly a year ago I had a crush on a really cool guy...and I couldn't deal with it.
Memories of the past flooded me and I screwed up what could have been really cool.
In fact, I flipped out so badly I swore off men forever and devoted myself purly to pursuits of the female sort. And now, it's a year later...and once again I have a crush.
On a guy.
On a guy I would actually be willing to have sex with (note the shock).
I guess it's easier to have this crush as I never have to face him. He's a country away from me so I can happily crush without having to actually face it. There's no chance, so there's no hope of an actual relationship, no tempting fate to fuck around my emotions and desires.
No chance for the memories to come back.
I think I now know why rape victims often see counsilers. It's easy to move on, to get back to your life...
It's the living that's hard.
It's especially harder for those raped by people they know, by boyfriends, husbands, fiance's (or girlfriends or wives). To put that trust back into another person, to allow them into your life, your body, your head, and trust that they won't betray you like you have been before...
How do you do it? How do you allow someone that trust, when the scars are still in your head?
As much as I claim sex is boring and unessaccary in life, there are still moments when I wouldn't mind having it. I mean come on, I went from wearing my men out to nothing in less then a few monthes, the...drive is still there.
I just can't trust anyone anymore.
So now I'm left with just a bunch of questions that are slowly driving me insane.
Am I bisexual? A lesbian with male tendances? Do I actually want someone in my life? Can I let someone back in? Is it worth it? What if I'm hurt again? Can I re-build my psyche after having it torn apart again?
Should I even try to find someone else, or just resign myself to a lifetime of loneliness?
And no, I haven't told him yet, though me might know by now considering everyone else in our group does. I just can't bare to face the issue considering I'm so screwed up in the head, plus he had this wonderful/horrible relationship with his last girlfriend and I don't know if I can offer him anything better. Why bring it up if I can't give him something better then the heartache he's already suffered? I'd rather have him happy and apart from me, then with me and misrible.
He's so...wonderful though. Okay yes I realize I'm smitten and my judgement isn't exactly the best to go by...but he really is. Everyone I know thinks so.
*sigh*
My beautiful Paris...
oh gods I sound like a school girl...shoot me!
Memories of the past flooded me and I screwed up what could have been really cool.
In fact, I flipped out so badly I swore off men forever and devoted myself purly to pursuits of the female sort. And now, it's a year later...and once again I have a crush.
On a guy.
On a guy I would actually be willing to have sex with (note the shock).
I guess it's easier to have this crush as I never have to face him. He's a country away from me so I can happily crush without having to actually face it. There's no chance, so there's no hope of an actual relationship, no tempting fate to fuck around my emotions and desires.
No chance for the memories to come back.
I think I now know why rape victims often see counsilers. It's easy to move on, to get back to your life...
It's the living that's hard.
It's especially harder for those raped by people they know, by boyfriends, husbands, fiance's (or girlfriends or wives). To put that trust back into another person, to allow them into your life, your body, your head, and trust that they won't betray you like you have been before...
How do you do it? How do you allow someone that trust, when the scars are still in your head?
As much as I claim sex is boring and unessaccary in life, there are still moments when I wouldn't mind having it. I mean come on, I went from wearing my men out to nothing in less then a few monthes, the...drive is still there.
I just can't trust anyone anymore.
So now I'm left with just a bunch of questions that are slowly driving me insane.
Am I bisexual? A lesbian with male tendances? Do I actually want someone in my life? Can I let someone back in? Is it worth it? What if I'm hurt again? Can I re-build my psyche after having it torn apart again?
Should I even try to find someone else, or just resign myself to a lifetime of loneliness?
And no, I haven't told him yet, though me might know by now considering everyone else in our group does. I just can't bare to face the issue considering I'm so screwed up in the head, plus he had this wonderful/horrible relationship with his last girlfriend and I don't know if I can offer him anything better. Why bring it up if I can't give him something better then the heartache he's already suffered? I'd rather have him happy and apart from me, then with me and misrible.
He's so...wonderful though. Okay yes I realize I'm smitten and my judgement isn't exactly the best to go by...but he really is. Everyone I know thinks so.
*sigh*
My beautiful Paris...
oh gods I sound like a school girl...shoot me!
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no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 01:42 pm (UTC)We're supposed to be resilient, aren't we? Because every day is fresh and new, and we wake up with another 24 hours staring us in the face. Wasn't it in the Scarlet Letter, the part that said, "I've been sin-stained and made anew?" I think so... But don’t quote me directly. It’s been years since I've read it. Anyway, my point is that there's no such thing as a fresh beginning, it's always just trudging out of the mess of one disaster and picking through the wreckage for the pieces of ourselves that we've scattered around along the way.
There's a fine line between, "Oh great, it's another day!" and "Oh god no, not another day."
When someone breaks your trust, you become so guarded you actually startle yourself sometimes. Irrational fears, pulling away from people. It's so much easier to regress and proclaim that we're doing it because we want it. But who wants to be alone? No one. It's hard to trust, and it's hard to just stop fucking waiting for the same person to come to their senses years later and give you back what they took from you in the beginning.
Sometimes you wish that you could find them just so that you can grab them as hard as you can and scream until they give it back so that you can move on, too.
Never resign yourself to anything. At least, never so much that you're not open for something more when it finds you. There’s something more out there for everyone, some of us just have to wait longer than others. It doesn’t make us unworthy, but it sure as hell makes us miserable in the interim period between this and that.
I might be rambling. I might sound like a moron. But, I'm really, really sleepy.
And I am glad that I know now.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-24 06:49 pm (UTC)And you don't sound like a moron, everything you said is very true.
I guess it's just hard for me to see myself as worth of anyone's love, so I hide behind the fear and the distrust because I can't accept that someone can want me.
I think years of being teased and later watching fiance's leave for various bimbos took a tole.
It's the whole, if you never try, you'll never get hurt idea, but it's not fair since I DO want to try. It's fucking cold and lonely in the middle of the night.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 01:55 am (UTC)Maybe we both just have shitty luck.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 02:00 am (UTC)Or keep fucking around to your little hearts content if you enjoy it. Far be it for me to tell anyone to stop having sex. :o)
By the way, do you mind if I write you snail mail via Val? (Or you can PM me your home addy).
I don't write with a quill on red paper but it might be fun. I enjoy writing letters to pen pals and you're an awsome person to talk to.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 02:34 am (UTC)Ah well! I'll work it out!
I'll PM you my address, though it would probably be better to write me via Valorie since I'm going to be moving in about a month... the end of July... I think. I even have my packages sent to Valorie's... don't trust my neighbors. They steal from me, I swear!
Or maybe I'm just paranoid. I like writing letters, too!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 02:45 am (UTC)And alright, I'm getting yoru address but you want me to send them via Val anyway...right.
Toss me Val's? I lost it after I sent her post card and I need it for the CD for her anyway(you had to pick the hardest songs in the world to find...).
umm
Date: 2005-06-25 12:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 03:28 am (UTC)i know what you're going through. i'm going through the same thing, have been for about six months now. only... i've told the person in question and... yeah.
still. can't stop thinking about her, can't stop dreaming, all that fun stuff. to actually do anything, though, would be to jeapordize the relationship we have and that's the last thing i would ever want to do.
the first thing i would ever want to do is make her feel the way someone needs to make her feel, though.
so that puts me in a crossroad, much like your situation puts you. see, i know how you feel.
i've acknowledged my alone-ness, though. i'm going to be alone for a very very long time, whether i like it or not. when i go after something, it turns out bad. so the best i can do is sit back, let people know i'm here, sure, but let them come to me. puts the ball in their court, so to speak.
tell your person that you dig them and that you wouldn't die if they do or don't want to pursue the possibilities. you cherish their friendship, and if starting anything would put too much of that good stuff in jeapordy, then it's best to just leave it be. but if the risk is worth it, and he needs to be the one deciding this, then you'll be there for/with him to the best of your ability and everything.
if the person is as wonderful as you know them to be, they'll understand where you're coming from on not wanting to jeapordize anything. i mean, we can't exactly help the attraction, right? honesty is the only way to deal with this shit - just be up front and honest about everything and you won't have to be shot.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 03:48 am (UTC)He read my journal.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-25 04:16 am (UTC)