Ugh!

[saitaina]

I havne't been able to write ANYTHING since my last single fanfiction (meaning not related to my writing group). I'm...scared, or something. "It Wasn't Me" sucked so bad that now I'm to afraid to attempt to write anything.

I mean, I've written crap before, hell look at any of my early HP works, *shudders* but...no one ever TOLD me they were bad. Seriously. Ever piece I've written since I started actually taking my work seriously (about thirty fics ago) has been well recived. Never a flame, never...anything. Sure someone might bitch about the parings or tell me when something doesn't work, but they've never told me the whole thing was a waste. Hell even my Mary Sue phase had people gushing.

Until "It Wasn't Me".

I mean, I know it happens to everyone, at some point. But I had been riding so high for eight years that the crash was brutal when it came. It's not like I haven't TRIED writing, I released the latest chapter of "Weather is Here..." but...there's no emotion in it, no feeling. I wrote in faster then I write anything (usually thirty minutes for each chapter/story) and it's just..a bridge piece. It doesn't suck, but it's not good either. It's just...there. Filler. And I didn't even want to write it. I wrote it to shut people up about the length of time between the last chapter and this one.

...

And people are loving it. Which just proves I can't belive what people say about my works because they're gushing over a filler piece that contains three pages of nothing.

Ugh...the spark is gone. I mean, there are pieces I want to write...that I should write *hides novel disk*. But I just..can't. I'm afraid the next thing I write will be crap...and the next, and so on and so forth till everything I've worked for, for eight years is gone.

I've started writing het again (and I don't even READ het...ick). It's still forulamatic to me....which makes it easy to write I guess. But it's not where my heart lies.

...

I just wanted to write one novel. To complete one story that might touch someone...some how. I wanted...

Okay, honestly? In the dead of the night, when I'm staring at my cealing, I dream of writing something that will be worth something. Writing something that would be great. That would allow me to tell everyone who said I would never amount to anything to 'fuck off'.

But how can I do that with writing that has no passion, no feeling? How can I do that when I'm to scared to try anymore?

Maybe Jessie was write and I'm telling the same story over and over again....maybe that story is over now.

*sigh* I think, after I finish "The End of the Begining", I'm going to stop writing. That was supposed to be my fic, the one that excelled. Instead it's the one that's forgotten. No one reads it anymore...or ever did. Everyone wants fluff and romance and everything working out in the end...and I just can't write that. After eight years...I'm ready for the end of the begining. I think I'm ready for the end of everything.

Eight years...sixty plus fan fictions...ten fandoms...three original novels and one collection....one dream, fading away.

Comments

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

sounds to me like you're growing up. maybe romance isn't for you after all. maybe you're destined to write bigger, better things, deeper things. why does it have to have a pairing at all, you know? there are other things than sex out there.

i wonder if you could write something without a pairing. just write a 15 minute fic about something random, like a guy getting locked in a closet or something, and see what comes out. if it sucks... then, well, yeah. but honestly, i don't think it will. give it a shot.

maybe the fandoms are holding you back. you're holding the characters created by someone else as a crutch. make up your own, you've done it before. writing in someone else's world... find your own. bet you'll be much happier. the rut may be coming from the reality of being bound by someone else's imagination.

just afew thoughts

[saitaina]

The last world I created was the world of the Moricia Family. The most hated and loved family in history...depending on which friend you ask.

I don't think I can create another one...new characters...new lives...

Hell even Thomas and Blaise are based on them.

I suddenly miss Rafel and Miccy...

I don't know, maybe later I'll try what you suggested but romance has truly been my crutch, not other worlds. I can't think...can't write anything that doesn't have it.

It's funny, for someone who doesn't belive in love I sure seem to be consumed by it.

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

there you go, don't think you can, can't do it, blah blah blah. fucking try, man. you take your writing so seriously, that's the only thing you can do is try, that's all you've left.

stop asking friends what they think. ask yourself what YOU think. when you've got confidence in your own work, then you can start asking friends for constructive critisism.

what's happening is you're looking through your own work. you want to find meaning, you want to find substance, but it's not there. it's flat as a steam rolled pancake, and that's fine for your audience. but who are you really writing for? for their sake? so they can get a happy?

the most boring book in the world is the best, because there's so much more than meets the eye. there's depth in those waters. i can tell you in one sentence what happens in Alburt Cammus _The Stranger_. The guy's mother dies, he meets a chick, one of his neighbors gets involved with mafia-type dudes, the guy kills one and is found guilty for it. Big freaking deal, right? Camus didn't write the book for that, though, he wrote it for what was underneath that flat surface. People fish in that lake for the wisdom underneath the waters, not for the reflection of the sun in them. ya dig?

[saitaina]

I've tried, Jess. I've tried for eight years to write something that wasn't flat and wasn't boring.

Every day I sit at this computer and thing "Today's the day" and every night I lay in bed and want to cry, because it all ends up the same.

You've seen maybe a handful of the works I've created. They all look the same.

I doubt there's any depth in me.

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

well if you're ready to give up, fine, let me know. i'll stop wasting my time.

read and mull over: _Johnny Got His Gun_ by Dalton Trumbo, _Slaughterhouse V_ by Kurt Vonnegut, _Catch-22_ by Josef Heller, _Catcher in the Rye_ by ... well, i forget who that's by, but it's an easy find, _The Stand_ by Stephen King, _Fahrenheit 451_ by Ray Bradbury, _On the Road_ by Jack Keroac, and _The Stranger_ by Alburt Cammus. take a break from writing and just read those, mull over them, think about them, analyze them. back when i was reading christopher pike and the like, i was about as deep as the fucking andes mountains, you know that. you have to start upping the scale. you want depth? first you gotta learn what depth is.

[yellowhorde.livejournal.com]

Don't stop writing! I know you are feeling that your writing is stale and you doubt your own creativity, but I believe that a lot of writers feel that way. (I know I do) But I've read your stuff on WBFF and I think it is rather good.
Perhaps you just need a break from writing or perhaps a different genre to pursue. Maybe horror or action or something. Anything to get your creative juices flowing. But don't give up!

(Oh, btw, I added you to my friends list. I hope you don't mind. If it is a problem, just let me know and I'll remove you, 'kay?)

[saitaina]

Why would it be a problem? You're a friend. And I haven't given up just yet...just...frutraited.