I suck

[saitaina]

I need to move on with my life. Really, I'm getting bored with being stuck in the same rut of books that aren't written, fanfiction that I've been writing for four years, the same endless span of days that all look the same. Though i'm still hitting the same brick wall. No money for college (and do I really want to attempt a third try after getting kicked out twice?), no one wants to hire someone who only has a GED, I can't figure out the plot for Vlad (do I do the past, the present...both? Why the hell is Vlad wanting to wear boxers throught the book? And how come Radu keeps looking like Mical?).

I keep slacking off on research for the third book (which is still titleless) nor do I know how to write a non fictional book about stories everyone already knows. My first book is an unedited failure that I self published just to get my Grandmere off my arse. My second manuscript is sitting in a basket waiting to be edited...except I have to take a hatchet to over half the book because I wrote it in a period where I sucked and my co-author...well there's so many things wrong with that idea that I'm tempted to just chop him off the book and be done with it.

I want kids but there's no viable way to have them at this moment in my life...and it feels like time's slipping away for me to have them. My mere won't shut up about the idea though...or she tells me I'm still young...make up your mind lady!

I keep planning for what happens after my mere is gone...because things just seem to be getting worse with her, but I'm scared for when that moment happens. I've never been able to stand on my own two feet. I'm a whiney spoiled brat whose always had her mere to hold her hand. How do I cope when I'm alone?

The only true future I see for myself, this moment in time is me, living alone in a house I hate, surounded by cats and a murderious dog, my only true connection to the outside world this computer watching as the world passes me by for another decade. I'll still be an overweight freak whom hasn't had a date since her ex-fiancee wondered off. The weird old lady they whisper about in town and warn children to stay away from.

It's not a happy future...but I can't see a way to change it.

Comments

[gu-ta-gutarrak.livejournal.com]

I don't know if my advise is worth anything, bacause I don't even live in the same country, so I can't say how your life really is, but I believe some things are the same everywhere.

I have felt that way many times, if that helps. The only thing I can tell you is that the first step to change that is to stop thinking that way, to stop being harder on yourself than anyone and to stop pitying yourself.

Try to do something, anything, to reach your goals. Try to start moving, because starting is really the hardest part.

If you feel that the only link to the outside world is your computer, then turn off the computer and go out. I know it's hard, but it can be worth it.

And if someone tells you you are fat, or ugly (I have been told both things, so I can talk) just laugh and tell them to fuck off. Who they think they are?

You are not as bad as you think you are. No one is.

And about your mother, I know this sounds horrible, but some day you'll have to start your own life. Children are supposed to leave the house, I don't mean you should abandon her and never show your face again, but you have to think about you.

I don't know if this is of any help. Advices are easier given than followed, and I'm not sure if this make sense, but...

[saitaina]

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<And about your mother, I know this sounds horrible, but some day you'll have to start your own life>

Problem is, I did move out and have my own life one time. I lived in a diffrent city, had an awsome apartment (with crappy neighbors), had a life outside the computer when I did community theatre had to stop that due to panic attacks).

But then last Febuary, Mere got sick and needed a roomate so I had to come back home. I can't exactly leave her when she needs me. 'Sides, here I get someone who cooks and cleans up behind me (which is good or else it wouldn't get done, I have no concept of cleaning beyond keeping ants away), I have my pets which I gave up when I moved, I have my mere (even if we do scream at each other every other day). Plus I get more money to spend per month since my bills are less.

It's just very rut worthy.

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

why would you want to change? bipass all the unknowns and all, let them talk about the scary lady down the street, never knowing they carry books you've written in their hands.

and if you want someone to beta that manusript... i could check it out for ya...