The Lost Child

[saitaina]

Reality comes to some of us at diffrent times in our lives. For some we're young, for some, we're older, and for some...it comes when it's too late.

I've always gotten tastes of reality. Small truths that were easy to ignore. But sometimes, reality is hard to ignore.

I've always wanted what I can't have. It's a disease, a sickness. My main want, was to be wanted...loved. Generally, I am. I have a loving mother, a rather decent extended family (when not drunk or out of their tree, or an uncle). But I still need the attention, the love, no matter how fake.

So I seek out the attention, usually in the form of friends, or in my lovely fucked up brain, the "in crowd". After all, if you're popular, you're loved.

In Junior High School, I wanted to be a cheerleader, after all...cheerleaders are always popular. I never made the team (rather obviously) but I tried everything to seem part of the "crowd". I coached, I did extra work to help out the team, I tried to "fit in".

In High School, it was the Drama Club and friends who ruled the school. I did the drama club thing, and the drama class thing, and still watched from the sidelines. I was always the one who was just there, just in the back ground, only noticed when someone needed me to do something for them.

I've always said that people either love me or hate me. There's never any in between. But that's not true. There's a lot of in between, but mostly...mostly it's just in diffrence, or people who can't stand me, but don't waste the entergy to tell me.

This is what I've always known, but hid from. After all, if my main desire is lust, why would I face a reality where I'm not the person people want to love?

But...you can't escape reality forever. I have to face up to who I am, just like everyone does eventually.

I am so tempted to just end my time in HP. And that thought isn't really as random as it sounds. My entire stay in the HP has been one eppisode of Junior and Senior High School all over again. Always wanting, always trying, always forcing...always on the outside, looking in.

Saterday finally shoved this into my face. For all I thought I had it made, for all I assumed I was 'in'. I'm so far on the outer rings it's not even funny. I watched the in crowd, almost as much as I watched the movie. I tasted the bitterness of reality as I watched the people I liked and cared about, look at me as if I were a worm...no, wait, they would have reconized a worm.

I love what I do...most of the time. And generally, it's a great bunch of people I deal with. But , fuck...I don't know.

I can't deal with this anymore, I can't deal with who I am anymore. I can't understand what's wrong with me...or where I'm failing. I know I try to hard but, this is who I am...an overactive, hyper, bitchy, idiotic, fun loving, moody, loving, brooding, fucked up drama queen.

So why can't people love and accept me...

Comments

[permetaform]

::hugs:: seriously? you're stressing it too much I think. I can't say for certain, since I don't know your complete situation, but from what it *reads* like from your description it seems like you are trying really really hard, and being who you think you should be instead of seeking out where your strengths lie. You wanted to be a cheerleader because they were popular; and even if you may have genuinely enjoyed it, no mention was made of liking it, or of liking the people in it and the socializing that comes with it. You mention Drama club like a duty, you mention standing on the sidelines...why were you standing on the sidelines, waiting to be called on? Again, I'm in no position to accurately gauge all the factors, but if you truly enjoyed an activity, wouldn't you have jumped in and looked to see where people needed help and been there to supply the missing piece before people needed to look? That's how you integrate yourself, and how you make yourself necessary...

I think you might be more loved and accepted than you may notice, or perhaps just too desperately looking for it, or perhaps not willing to make the first move?

::hugs again:: I'm sorry that you feel isolated. You *will* find your place, however.

[saitaina]

I was waiting on the sidelines in Drama because I couldn't get cast in a lead role to save my life because of fucking burocracy and Alexander P. who I had an ongoing war with. Raher hard to get anywhere when you're screwing with the guy who makes the decisions (thought it was rather fun to attempt to destroy him).

Thank you for your comment, it's smomething to think about.

[permetaform]

hmm, but not getting cast in a lead role doesn't mean that you couldn't have gotten other spots or perhaps helped out in the support roles inbetween your roles? Drama people aren't just the actors, ne? They're also the lighting and music and props and costumes and etc, et al...

[sheryll.livejournal.com]

I know how it is, wanting to be part of the "crowd". Sometimes, though, when you get to know the "crowd", it's not all it's cracked up to be. Take a look around you and you'll likely find friends that are far more interesting, more willing to accept you as are and more likely to remain good friends. Don't dismiss what's right there in front of you for the sake of something that looks good but might not be attainable (or might not be what you really want once you get it).

Always wanting, always trying, always forcing...always on the outside, looking in.

My suggestion, for what it's worth? Stop trying/forcing. Sit back and be yourself. Do your stuff and see what comes of it. You may find that people come to you instead of you trying to reach them.

[saitaina]

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<Don't dismiss what's right there in front of you for the sake of something that looks good but might not be attainable (or might not be what you really want once you get it).>

So you're telling me, be happy with you and Kelley instead of wanting Alex and John? :o)

You give good advice love, as always. Dunno what I would do without you these past few years. I swear, if I ever get a book published, you're one of the first I'm thanking for keeping my head on straight when I need it.

[sheryll.livejournal.com]

Yup, be happy with those that aren't busy ignoring you, love. We're not bad company. Honest.

I try with the advice. Am not always right. And I think you'd do a fine job of keeping your own head on straight if you'd just stop and think a bit sometimes. Your heart is most definitely in the right place, just make the head follow.

[saitaina]

My head refuses to listen, s'why I have people to take care of me...though they usually get tired of the job.

I'm working on it though....s'hard to stop just following my heart...and could I sound anymore Gryffindorish? :o)

[sheryll.livejournal.com]

We do sometimes get a bit tired of it, you're right. But we love you, so we hang in there. Which is why I think you should stick with those of us willing to hang in with you.

Oh, dear, you are sounding Gryffindor-ish. Shouldn't you be sounding more Slytherin-like? Do I have to find Snape and get him to dock points? :-D

[saitaina]

Oh for the love of god don't find Snape, don't think I could deal with that this early in the morning. 'sides, he never docks points from US. *smirk*

*hug*

[ladykerradine.livejournal.com]

Just thought you could use a hug. I'll call you later this afternoon when I'm sure you're up.

Re: *hug*

[saitaina]

I thought you were going to fucking call me.

Re: *hug*

[ladykerradine.livejournal.com]

I was...but then my boss decided to hold a meeting all afternoon. *sigh* What's your schedule like today? I'll be in and out of the office all morning but then should have some time where I can call.

[macloudt.livejournal.com]

People who don't accept you for who and what you are aren't worth the effort, love. Be yourself and sod the lot of 'em. This attitude didn't make me popular in high school, but then the cheerleaders were all a bunch of brainless bitches anyway. {{{hugs}}}

[saitaina]

Well, not all were brainless bitches...but I think there's a reason most of my horror novels I read are called "The Cheerleader."

[sanitiesend.livejournal.com]

wow, i go away for a week and you suddenly start picking up my persona and going total drama queen with it. sup with that? you are so on the inside of that harry potter crowd. i haven't even read the goddamned books. haha.

never stop following your heart. if no one follows after you, fine, let them not follow. their loss. you feel alone, it won't last forever. ask yourself what path you're taking, and what you could do to enhance your speed upon that path. like, the hobby of writing, expand your typical literature list and whatnot, read stuff you've previously only heard about on a whim, and don't just read it for the story, look at the style and all. i read all sorts of stuff lately, from stephen king's misery to dante's inferno. not for school, either, haha. and for band, i find random stuff to play, and i'm always listening to the music, studying it. alot of the bands nowadays are as versitile as the rest are boring, with intricate melodies and rythms. exposing yourself to those things expands the width and ease on which you travel down that sometimes lonely path your heart leads you upon.

okay... i've been penting up too much soap box time myself... two long-winded posts a day, damn. i'm out. hope you're feeling better by now; i just got home. come around on aim or something later.