That Damn Car
May. 14th, 2011 07:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saitainaSitting in my driveway is the PT Cruiser that I talked about shortly after mum died...you know, the one my roomate stole and crashed? It's been here for about two weeks, but I haven't really been able to face it (except to see if there was a stray pack of ciggerettes in it, amazing what you can block out when you're desperate).
I HAD to deal with it today, because it was supposed to be moved to be destroyed (technically, scrapped, a friend and I are splitting the proceeds 50/50 since he's doing all the work). I never realized how much emotion and grief was tied up in that stupid car. Not only in the fact I'm losing it, itself (and man do I love that car, even banged up), but the fact it was mom's and my car...we shared the title and privledges equally...it held a lot of good times...
...and a lot of bad. Mom died in that car.
I sat in the driver's seat, where I last saw here...and sobbed. I don't WANT to give it up. I want to spend enormous amounts of money I don't have and get it running again...because I feel as though if I let it go, I'm letting her go. Every time I sat in that car, everytime I drove it after she died I felt as if she was with me, sitting in the passenger seat, arguing that I was going too fast/too slow (she was never a happy passenger, I once drove over 100 miles with her and wanted to ditch her at every rest stop).
I know it's un-healthy to cling to it...not to mention in practicale, but that's part of the journey of grief I'm not letting myself deal with. I still have over half her things, because two months after her death...I just couldn't keep going through her things...her life. I just closed off the parts of my house that held them and refused to deal with it.
I was so proud with how I was dealing, and coping with her death...but I still can't go into the spare room or garage for longer then a few minutes...and I still can't face that car without running back into the house.
I'm not coping, I'm hiding.
I HAD to deal with it today, because it was supposed to be moved to be destroyed (technically, scrapped, a friend and I are splitting the proceeds 50/50 since he's doing all the work). I never realized how much emotion and grief was tied up in that stupid car. Not only in the fact I'm losing it, itself (and man do I love that car, even banged up), but the fact it was mom's and my car...we shared the title and privledges equally...it held a lot of good times...
...and a lot of bad. Mom died in that car.
I sat in the driver's seat, where I last saw here...and sobbed. I don't WANT to give it up. I want to spend enormous amounts of money I don't have and get it running again...because I feel as though if I let it go, I'm letting her go. Every time I sat in that car, everytime I drove it after she died I felt as if she was with me, sitting in the passenger seat, arguing that I was going too fast/too slow (she was never a happy passenger, I once drove over 100 miles with her and wanted to ditch her at every rest stop).
I know it's un-healthy to cling to it...not to mention in practicale, but that's part of the journey of grief I'm not letting myself deal with. I still have over half her things, because two months after her death...I just couldn't keep going through her things...her life. I just closed off the parts of my house that held them and refused to deal with it.
I was so proud with how I was dealing, and coping with her death...but I still can't go into the spare room or garage for longer then a few minutes...and I still can't face that car without running back into the house.
I'm not coping, I'm hiding.
