I can't...
Oct. 4th, 2010 05:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
saitainastop thinking about mom. I feel like I want to claw out my brain just to stop the images from playing in my mind...which it turns out, is really hard to do (both the clawing and the stopping of the images).
I'm still exausted and running a fever, and yet if I try to lay down for any longer then to do whefive hours, someone's screaming at me about something, usually being asleep during the 'day', discounting how crappy I fee. And everything wants things done NOW, decisions made NOW, and I just want to have a break, and to be able to do things in my own time.
I don't even have time to grief anymore, and today's the one month anniversary and I feel like screaming because people won't leave me the hell alone and let me just...be. Yes, I've handled her death pretty damn well, but that's easy to do when nothing will allow me to actually face it...but I NEED to face it or else I'm not going to be much better off then she is right now, or I'll get an ulcer from swallowing my grief one too many times and end up throwing up blood along with everything else I'm already throwing up.
Then again, I don't even know how to face the small bits of grief leaking out, I have no idea what actually facing the full spectrum of it will do to me.
I feel very lost.
I'm still exausted and running a fever, and yet if I try to lay down for any longer then to do whefive hours, someone's screaming at me about something, usually being asleep during the 'day', discounting how crappy I fee. And everything wants things done NOW, decisions made NOW, and I just want to have a break, and to be able to do things in my own time.
I don't even have time to grief anymore, and today's the one month anniversary and I feel like screaming because people won't leave me the hell alone and let me just...be. Yes, I've handled her death pretty damn well, but that's easy to do when nothing will allow me to actually face it...but I NEED to face it or else I'm not going to be much better off then she is right now, or I'll get an ulcer from swallowing my grief one too many times and end up throwing up blood along with everything else I'm already throwing up.
Then again, I don't even know how to face the small bits of grief leaking out, I have no idea what actually facing the full spectrum of it will do to me.
I feel very lost.
