At the time…

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I didn’t realize how much it would effect me, ut eleven years on, and I’m still having nightmares about being trapped in foster care.

Well, not nightmares in the traditional sense, I don’t wake up screaming or in a cold sweat, I’m just…very scared and discontent, until I realize I’m safe at home, with mum in the next room. I’m not locked away somewhere, under someone else’s whim.

And life wasn’t that bad in foster care in the first place, I had a lot of great foster parents, some I still care for. I was lucky, compared to some stories my forster siblings and my mother have.

So what terrifies me? The loss of control. The idea it could happen again, even though I know it can’t. The idea that in someway, I’ll be torn from my mother again (which COULD happen, my mother is getting older).

But, reality has no meaning to dreams. No matter how much I know and understand all this, it means nothing when I’m trapped in the dream, trying desperately to ‘get home’. The struggle I endured to achive just that, is replayed more often the more stressed I get, leaving me to wake up not refreshed and happy, but scared and very alone.

I would be so happy, if these dreams just vanished.