530

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I’m getting tired of walking through life, innocently smelling the roses, when reality suddenly blind sides me like and out of control eighteen wheeler with a drunk driver.

I just found out I have been living almost ten years, with a curable disease that, if left untreated, could have rendered me infertile.  All because of a stupid choice I made when I was seventeen.  This is of course the day after my doctor tells me I’m possibly pre-diabetic.

I can’t stop dweling on worst case scenario’s, even though I know that they’re not helping and I should look at the positives.  I spent all last night, trying desperately to shut my mind down and not think of the side effects of diabetes, such a blindness, loss of limb…death.  Now I’m wondering if I was was untreated too long and I may never hold the baby in my arms I’ve drempt about for most of my life.

I know there are other options and I’m not the only woman in the world who this has happened to.  But I can’t help feeling so worthless, if that is taken away from me.  I’ve wanted nothing more in my life, then to be a wife and mother.  But a bitter part of me keeps questioning what good I am, if I can’t have children.

And we don’t even KNOW if that’s the case, I could have been lucky and escaped that sentance.  We won’t know for a while.  First we have to get rid of the disease, then we have to run more tests.  It’s a rare chance, even to get from the disease to the extended injury that causes infertility, and even then, only one in eight women become infertile.

I’m being stupid to worry, I know that.  I should take one day at a time and face the problems as they come, not take on more when the chance is so slim.  I just…I never thought that I would ever come even this close to losing that dream.  I thought there would always be a chance, and now I’m scared.

I wish I could just erase the ‘what ifs…’ and think about something else for a while.