Another hypothetical situation, a question, and a look at good and evil.

[saitaina]

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

I was reading this story, an HP fanfic of course, with a rather intresting situation and I thought I would propose it to you all to see what you would say.

In the story (badly written I might add), Harry if faced with a choice of saving Draco Malfoy’s life, via giving blood. In this situation it is presented that Malfoy (according to Hermione and Ron, and some other Gryffindors) is not worth saving, that he’s vile and evil and a whole lot of rot I don’t think they’d actually say if faced with the situation because they’re the good guys.

So here’s my version:

You are the one in Harry’s place, and the one you are asked to save (though whatever means you wish to invent in your minds) is the person you hate most in the world. Doesn’t matter if you don’t really hate someone in real life or could hate someone, this is hypothetical. You hate this person so much it’s a burning, fierce ach inside you when you’re around them. You could imagine nothing happier then them simply dissappearing off the face of the Earth or even better, being ripped to tiny little bloody pieces and scattered to the four corners of the Earth to rot. But right now, you are faced with the reality of them dying, of truly being gone from your life. You, and only you have the power (again, through whatever reason you imagine) to save them, to make them whole. There’s no promise of truce, it’s perfectly reasonable and expected that when they recover they will go on tormenting you and making your life hell. If yous save them, you are most likely going to continue being hurt, being tormented, continue feeling that burning hate.

So here’s your choice. And you can be honest, I judge no one. Would you save them? Knowing that it is more then not likely nothing will change and the dance will continue, would you offer them the chance of life, or watch them die before your eyes?

Now, to be fair, I myself will awnser. As you can probably tell, I know hate well. I have felt it many times in my life. Just as I love with all of my being, I hate with it as well. I have staired into the eyes of someone and wished, passionetly, violently for their death. But I have also been faced with other situations, never the one above, at least, not to my knowledge, but situations where I was faced with the person I hated, or the memory of them, and my emotions were something beyond hate.

Two people I hated at one point in my life, died, in very tragic ways. They were killed in car accidents. I never knew about them when I happened, always much later. And though I had wished for their deaths before, when I heard about them…I could only greive, for the lives lost.

So, if I were given that chance, a moment in time to spare the life of a hated enemy…to save Mellissa and Buffy’s lives, would I? Would I have stopped their deaths? for me, there is no choice. While I still can’t awnser that question for Shawna (another hated “enemy” who I made an action against only few know about and I will not discuss here), I can awnser it for those lost. Yes. I would. And I probably would for people I hate today, such as C. To have someone die, and know you could have saved them, no matter how you feel about them as a person, is not something I could live with. I would do anything in my power and beyond to save someone I love, and I would probably do the same for someone I hate, because, no matter what, they are human, they are a person, and they deserved to be saved if there’s a chance.

So maybe…maybe I would try to save Shawna, despite the fact I once tried to do the very opposite. Maybe I’m not as far gone as some around here would like to belive.

Once, when I was much, much younger then I am now. I belived in Good and Evil. I belived there were definate sides with clearly drawn lines. Once…I was Good.

But life and time changes us all, and I have a great many Dark deeds to my name, Dark twists in my soul. I’m not the person I was once upon a time, I have long since sheilded myself against pain, grew cold to the hurt in the world, and in turn, grew cold entirely. I have many secrets that I have never given council for to anyone. I sheilded them well in the depth of my soul. All of us do in someway, some not as dark as others, some darker still. But even with the knowledge that we all are hiding something, we all have a side of us unshown and feared, I wonder, how can one tell if one has fallen into Darkness.

There is a lot of talk about Good and Evil. In religion they try to make it clear cut. Do this and you’re good and you’ll be rewarded. Do that and you’re evil and shall be punished. Everyone talks about what is Good and what is Evil, what is wrong and what is right. I belived once in that firm line that you couldnt’ cross, the line you shouldn’t even touch. I belived that it was there, shining and soilid and REAL. But, is it? Is there really a line, or do we just lead ourselves to belive it’s there? To we hope that there is some division only because who we are, what we can do, scares us too much?

The choices we have to make in our lives are ours alone. No one can force us or choose for us. I no longer belive in the ultamite good or the ultamite evil, I have seen too many sides of the same coin to belive that there is one pure choice either way. But, as with almost everything, I am not sure if I am right, or deluding myself.

I have been thinking a lot recently about heros, ledgendary figures who pick up the sword to fight for what is good, what is pure, and what is right. And I have been thinking about villians, larger then life creatures who represent all that is dark, evil and unpure in the world. The old image of Good vs Evil that is in every true fairy tale, every myth. And in the end, good always overcomes evil, because that’s what makes it a myth, for reality is never so kind. I wonder what role I would play in such tales, would I be a hero, taking up my weapon to champion the cause that I belived was right, or would I be the villian, set to destroy everything that was against me?

there is no room in stories to take the middle of the road, because in such tales there is no middle. But I can’t figure out what role I play, I was good and innocent once, and I was very bad too. And now…I don’t know what I am. I know what some would say, especially some of those who are ‘close’ to me. Those like my grandmother and others who have long since given up and now look at me as if I have nothing left to redeam. Those who think they know what my heart and soul look like but only see the walls and sheilds I have long since built around me. To them I am nothing more then a cold, heartless being who cares for nothing that is outside her existance. To them, it would be so easy for me to watch everything around me wither and die and because it’s not me, not even blink.

And I can’t blame them. I have long perfected the role of looking as they see me. Every day I invent (without thinking about it) a new way to hurt or push away those that care. I purposely say cruel things that I know would turn their expression into one of disgust, I find a way to turn their hearts against me so they can’t get close. Once upon a time, it was an act, a role to play to keep myself safe, but I have played that role so long, I wonder if I have not lost myself to it.

I once blamed my genetics for my behavior, after all, my Grandmother Humphrey, and my father were both liars, both assholes, both people who, if you belived in the line, could be considered without a doubt evil. But that was probably another lie I created, something to explain the role I designed for myself, the role I could so easily play from a young age. Perhaps, it’s not a role at all, but a true reflection of myself…

But if that is true, how can I find myself, in unguarded moments, caring for others, for something more then myself. If I am truly, the dark, unfeeling, twisted person I portray, how can I feel pain for another, share their sadness and their joy…work to better the world I live in, and hold dear the ideals I do?

Which is the true delusion? The good or the evil? Which is the role I created to hide behind? If there is truly not good and evil in the world, and everything is left to a choice of action…then can one be both at the same time?

Fuck. I really need sleep. This post has probably been a giagantic mistake. I’m so tired I can’t even see really and here I am, rambling on about stupid things and making me sound like a twisted freak. I’m probably going insane and not even realizing it. I’m so tempted to make this entry private so that none of you can see this drivel. I honestly do not know what the hell is going on in my overly fucked up head. When I started this post is was just for a hypothetical sitch…not some deep unburdening of my soul that has no doubt freaked the lot of you out and just cost me everything. I wasn’t kidding when I said I play a role in life, and I’m honestly not sure what it is, but I have long had a reputation for having a great many awnsers in the world, for knowing who I was..

I have always maintained a level of truth to this journal, granted that truth is rather pointless drivel most of the time, stupid random rants about whatever’s bugging me, but this has always been the truth. I have seen a lot of people hide away while writing, never truly sharing themselves, and I swore I would never do so. There’s a reason the title of this journal is Thoughts From the Edge of Oblivion, because it is for just that, my personal, private thoughts that I wish to write about. While the knowledge that somewhere, there might be someone reading this is ever present while I type (after all, I do talk to you directly), I have never cared. You knew that this was a honest, open look at who I was when you came here or at least, you should have. This is my outlet, my release. Maybe it’s wrong of me, but there it is.

Comments are open as always, so feel free to share your thoughts. First person who sugests a theripist is getting smacked.