Waiting for eternity

So, grandmere's body is shutting down. First it was her kidney's, which were only 28% functional, then it was her bone marrow, which wasn't telling her body to make more red and white blood cells (connected to her kidney's as apparently there is an enzime in them that tells the bone marrow to do this).

A few days ago she had a blood transfusion as she had become enimic and was passing out all over the place. Two or so days after that, her blood sugars went out of control, and her blood preassure dropped dramatically. She was hospitalized to have tests as well as four more blood transfusions (I think, I sort of lost track of those).

She's coming home from the hospital today, but she's not 'better' (obviously, she can't be). Which makes me wonder if they're going to take her back after the New Years...or if they sent her home to die.

I was sure she wasn't going to make it to Christmas, but thankfully she has, I sort of keep taking it one day at a time, counting down first until my Uncle comes (Dec 24th), then Christmas, then when my other Uncle and kids arrive (Dec 26th), then of course New Years.

I jump everytime the phone rings, afraid it's mum, calling to tell me Grandmere passed on, and it's not so much that Grandmere's going to die, but how mum's going to handle it.

Mum's...not doing to good. After all, this is her mother, and no matter what problems she's had with Grandmere in the past, it's still hard to lose a parent. I'm doing what I can to be there for her, but it's hard and I'm gettin even more scared because mum's not handing it well, either mentally or physically. She's starting to have memory problems and confusion again, smething she had after Grandpere died. See, Mum had electro shock therepy years and years ago, and it REALLY screwed up her head, her memory is pretty much shot at times, and it effects other things. When she's under a lot of stress, her memory gets worse and confusion sets in. Last time (after Grandpere's death), mum not only got so confused she went from California, to Nevada instead of California to Oregon (for those who don't know, you can drive from California to Oregon on the I-5 freeway, straight through, going to Nevada involves going right somewhere and traveling a lot longer), but started to forget simple things, such as something she told me, or our cats names...she almost lost her driver's license, it was that bad.

So now, I'm scared that mum's stress is going to make her cognitive health worse, while we both try to deal with the fact that a family member we're closed to, is dying. And the part that REALLY breaks me up? Grandmere KNOWS she's dying. I honestly think it would be better if her mind was gone and she had no idea what was going on, instead of the constant wait for death to come knocking at her door.

...I wonder how big this year's fight will be, with all this stress hanging around.

In related news, mum's put off the rest of her surgeries and cancer treatment to focus on Grandmere. I understand her reasoning, her cancer is in early stages and it's a generally survivable cancer, grandmere's dying right now so...it's just...worrisom that she might wait too long to have it treated.

I've stopped going to my own doctor, inspite of increased stomache pain. I just can't go to someone who told my mother (my mother, NOT me), that he doesn't belive I'm suffering these symptoms. Yes, I will admit that I described one symptom wrong, I lumped nausea and vomiting together under 'daily' instead of explaining I suffered daily nausea with sporatic vomiting when the pain got too bad. But I just don't feel comfortable going to a doctor who A. Thinks I'm a liar and B. Doesn't have the balls to call me a liar to my face.

Thankfully, my Uncle David had his foot surgery yesterday (he opted to be awake through the whole process so he could watch, a man after my own heart), so whil he can't move his foot from the knee down, he can travel to be here after Christmas to see his mother.

It's going to be...odd, to see my two favorite uncles, because I haven't seen them in so long and now our relationships are strained. I mean, I grew up for over a year, living with my Uncle Micheal and now he's someone I don't know or even really like (and I detest his spoiled rat of a son). But, maybe that's a part of growing up. What's enjoyable and familiar as a child becomes strange and distorted as you become and adult. Still, I get to see my youngest cousins, Caleb (Micheal's), Kari, Kristy and David (David's). They're even bringing Cousin Jimmy, who is David's stepson and who I still remember as a gawky teenager (he's now in his thirties or something).

hehe, reminds me of talking with mum and grandmere about who was coming (we were trying to figure out menu's to balance everyone's food allergies/intolerances), and mum asked if I remembered Cousin Jimmy. I told her about my remembering him as a gawky teenager, unsure of himself, and she reminded me he was older then me and about thirty now. We marveled about how you rememember someone when you haven't seen them in a while.

For example, to me, the twins, Kristi and Kari are still small red headed toddlers, causing as much chaos as they can, even though I KNOW they're teenager girls, still causing caos. Baby David isn't so much a baby now, as he's about fifteen or so, and every bit the redneck teenage boy.

Cousin Jimmy is now thirty, Cousin Jamie (Jimmy's sister) is no longer the sixteen year old I look up to, but a single mother in her mid thirties. Cousin Amy (Walter's daughter) is no longer a nine year old, but a 27 year old woman, much like myself).

And I'm no longer the out of control, hyper, NICE eleven year old, but a jaded 26 year old, who has little trust for strangers and even less un-conditional love for my relitives when they start acting like inbread racist idiots.

The only one of us who hasn't changed is Cousin Laura-Rose (Micheal's daughter), who while being 16, will always be the size of a small toddler. Due to medical complications when she was younger, she is mentally retarded (about the age of a two year old, I think), who will never walk, and never grow up.

I wonder, if this is the last time I'll see my extended family as well, since they usually only come to see Grandmere, and if this is her last Christmas...I guess I'll have to make the most of it.

Anyway, in case I don't see you guys before then, Happy Holidays!

Edit: Just talked to mum, apparently Grandmere is NOT coming home today, no idea when/if she will.

Waiting for eternity

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

So, grandmere’s body is shutting down. First it was her kidney’s, which were only 28% functional, then it was her bone marrow, which wasn’t telling her body to make more red and white blood cells (connected to her kidney’s as apparently there is an enzime in them that tells the bone marrow to do this).

A few days ago she had a blood transfusion as she had become enimic and was passing out all over the place. Two or so days after that, her blood sugars went out of control, and her blood preassure dropped dramatically. She was hospitalized to have tests as well as four more blood transfusions (I think, I sort of lost track of those).

She’s coming home from the hospital today, but she’s not ‘better’ (obviously, she can’t be). Which makes me wonder if they’re going to take her back after the New Years…or if they sent her home to die.

I was sure she wasn’t going to make it to Christmas, but thankfully she has, I sort of keep taking it one day at a time, counting down first until my Uncle comes (Dec 24th), then Christmas, then when my other Uncle and kids arrive (Dec 26th), then of course New Years.

I jump everytime the phone rings, afraid it’s mum, calling to tell me Grandmere passed on, and it’s not so much that Grandmere’s going to die, but how mum’s going to handle it.

Mum’s…not doing to good. After all, this is her mother, and no matter what problems she’s had with Grandmere in the past, it’s still hard to lose a parent. I’m doing what I can to be there for her, but it’s hard and I’m gettin even more scared because mum’s not handing it well, either mentally or physically. She’s starting to have memory problems and confusion again, smething she had after Grandpere died. See, Mum had electro shock therepy years and years ago, and it REALLY screwed up her head, her memory is pretty much shot at times, and it effects other things. When she’s under a lot of stress, her memory gets worse and confusion sets in. Last time (after Grandpere’s death), mum not only got so confused she went from California, to Nevada instead of California to Oregon (for those who don’t know, you can drive from California to Oregon on the I-5 freeway, straight through, going to Nevada involves going right somewhere and traveling a lot longer), but started to forget simple things, such as something she told me, or our cats names…she almost lost her driver’s license, it was that bad.

So now, I’m scared that mum’s stress is going to make her cognitive health worse, while we both try to deal with the fact that a family member we’re closed to, is dying. And the part that REALLY breaks me up? Grandmere KNOWS she’s dying. I honestly think it would be better if her mind was gone and she had no idea what was going on, instead of the constant wait for death to come knocking at her door.

…I wonder how big this year’s fight will be, with all this stress hanging around.

In related news, mum’s put off the rest of her surgeries and cancer treatment to focus on Grandmere. I understand her reasoning, her cancer is in early stages and it’s a generally survivable cancer, grandmere’s dying right now so…it’s just…worrisom that she might wait too long to have it treated.

I’ve stopped going to my own doctor, inspite of increased stomache pain. I just can’t go to someone who told my mother (my mother, NOT me), that he doesn’t belive I’m suffering these symptoms. Yes, I will admit that I described one symptom wrong, I lumped nausea and vomiting together under ‘daily’ instead of explaining I suffered daily nausea with sporatic vomiting when the pain got too bad. But I just don’t feel comfortable going to a doctor who A. Thinks I’m a liar and B. Doesn’t have the balls to call me a liar to my face.

Thankfully, my Uncle David had his foot surgery yesterday (he opted to be awake through the whole process so he could watch, a man after my own heart), so whil he can’t move his foot from the knee down, he can travel to be here after Christmas to see his mother.

It’s going to be…odd, to see my two favorite uncles, because I haven’t seen them in so long and now our relationships are strained. I mean, I grew up for over a year, living with my Uncle Micheal and now he’s someone I don’t know or even really like (and I detest his spoiled rat of a son). But, maybe that’s a part of growing up. What’s enjoyable and familiar as a child becomes strange and distorted as you become and adult. Still, I get to see my youngest cousins, Caleb (Micheal’s), Kari, Kristy and David (David’s). They’re even bringing Cousin Jimmy, who is David’s stepson and who I still remember as a gawky teenager (he’s now in his thirties or something).

hehe, reminds me of talking with mum and grandmere about who was coming (we were trying to figure out menu’s to balance everyone’s food allergies/intolerances), and mum asked if I remembered Cousin Jimmy. I told her about my remembering him as a gawky teenager, unsure of himself, and she reminded me he was older then me and about thirty now. We marveled about how you rememember someone when you haven’t seen them in a while.

For example, to me, the twins, Kristi and Kari are still small red headed toddlers, causing as much chaos as they can, even though I KNOW they’re teenager girls, still causing caos. Baby David isn’t so much a baby now, as he’s about fifteen or so, and every bit the redneck teenage boy.

Cousin Jimmy is now thirty, Cousin Jamie (Jimmy’s sister) is no longer the sixteen year old I look up to, but a single mother in her mid thirties. Cousin Amy (Walter’s daughter) is no longer a nine year old, but a 27 year old woman, much like myself).

And I’m no longer the out of control, hyper, NICE eleven year old, but a jaded 26 year old, who has little trust for strangers and even less un-conditional love for my relitives when they start acting like inbread racist idiots.

The only one of us who hasn’t changed is Cousin Laura-Rose (Micheal’s daughter), who while being 16, will always be the size of a small toddler. Due to medical complications when she was younger, she is mentally retarded (about the age of a two year old, I think), who will never walk, and never grow up.

I wonder, if this is the last time I’ll see my extended family as well, since they usually only come to see Grandmere, and if this is her last Christmas…I guess I’ll have to make the most of it.

Anyway, in case I don’t see you guys before then, Happy Holidays!

Edit: Just talked to mum, apparently Grandmere is NOT coming home today, no idea when/if she will.