What am I to do?

Originally published at Memoirs of a Nobody. You can comment here or there.

Just got back from the doc’s…my visit wasn’t that important so the info’s below the main part of this. what concern’s me…is my mother’s appointment.

Usually we go in together, I mean, there’s no secrets. Except today. Today my mother went in alone. And on the drive home she told me what was the problem.

My mother’s….goddess I can’t even say it again. You’d think after so many years I could say it. *breath* My mother’s burning herself again. My wonderful, sweet, beautiful, loving mother…is purposely causing herself harm…to feel better. I…I can’t deal with this. Not again. I grew up with this shit…I watched as my mother’s flesh refused to heal from injuries she caused herself. I watched her sink futher and further into that world of pain filled hazes. I see the white flesh on tanned arms and know my mother ripped off those layers of skin herself, on purpose.

I spent most of my childhood taking care of her…so how can I stop now? I want to…so badly I just want to walk away from it. I don’t want to have to cry at night, wonder how much futher she’ll sink. I want to just say fuck it and walk away, letting her destroy herself if she has to. But she’s my mother…my mommy…

How do I gather the strength to endure another battle with her mind….when I’m to tired to even cry? I was eight when I first noticed the wounds…the scars. I’m now twenty-three…and my own wounds have barley healed when she drops this onto me again, ripping them wide open.

Should I walk away? Should I stand with her and support her…what am I supposed to do now? I thought the battle was over…why am I being called back?

As for my own appointment…I have a sodium problem which is causing water retention which is causing my body to swell up like Aunt Marge, which is causing severe pain everywhere. Yay. I have to meet with a GI specialist to find out about my stomach problems (hopefully no more vomiting acid on a weekly basis), and I have new meds for my ADHD. Yay.

A slight funny, I was watching a field burning as we drove home (it’s were they clear out the dead stuff to make way for the new) and was thinking we should do that to the back yard to start over and my Mere turns to me and goes. “We should do that with the kids,” My brain had a melt down thinking she meant burn the kids and start over…when she was talking about my earlier comment of roasting marshmellows.